Wake Me Up When I Am Seventy Pounds Lighter

Day 8 - One Day at a Time.

2011-08-01T10:47:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday my friends! I woke up this morning at 430am, got dressed, put on my running shoes and began my 19 week training session for the 2011 Honolulu Marathon, for December 11, 2011. Yeah, 19 weeks, and 70lbs to go. I tried, instead, to think about it being August 1st and I'm going to run 3 miles this morning. That seemed like a more reasonable bite to take. It was and I finished my run. I'm not going to lie, I was a bit sluggish and frustrated. My cardio health still needs work. But I have done this before, and I can do it again... I feel good about making daily choices to change my life and I try not to beat myself up for all the mistakes and bad choices I made to end up in this situation. But when I run, I do think about how my heart rate is still too high for the pace I am currently running and the only reason is a lack of consistency. So the answer is simple, shut up and run, one day at a time.

I just wanted to share this view, because I love it so much! This morning's juice is: pineapple, orange, nectarine, plum, pear & cucumber. Just what I need to start this day! Enjoy your day!!!

Day 7 - What a Difference a Week Makes!

2011-07-31T13:06:00.001-07:00

Hello! I took yesterday off from blogging, but not from my commitment to fresh fruits and vegetables. I have lost my first 10lbs and NOW I have 70 to go, and I'm feeling pretty good about that. I feel like EVERYTHING is possible and while I do sometimes daydream about eating a cooked meal I am still okay with raw foods for now.

Yesterday, my husband and I went to the Kapiolani Farmer's Market where we were in awe of the variety of fresh fruits & vegetables that were available. We stopped at this booth that was making "Super Green Juice"and ordered a cup. I had no idea kale was so delicious!

Everyone seemed to be here and it was like being at a carnival! We walked down each aisle and filled two reusable bags up with beets, radishes, kale, tomatoes, cilantro, avocados, & Lehua Blossom Honey....mmmm mmmm!

I had visions of pesto dancing in my daydreaming head when I saw this!

We came home with our veggies and washed them up and made a wonderful green juice of Green apple, kale, cucumber, spinach & pears. A dash of lemon for kicks!

Day 5 - TGIF!!!

2011-07-29T10:38:00.001-07:00

First, a little about yesterday. I drove up to Schofield to meet a couple of friends, Debbie & Jennifer and then we headed to the North Shore to Malaekahana Bay where we crossed a small channel to Goat Island. It's a 13 acre rocky island with a beautiful sandy cove. How did we cross? With some fancy footwork! We sort of walked and floated and swam across and it was incredible! I never laughed so hard while being a bit anxious because I realized, I WORE THE WRONG WATER BOOTIES! I will be correcting that this weekend! lol

So after we crossed, we stowed our gear and hiked around the island and it was BEAUTIFUL!!! Only one other person came across while we were there, but only to swim further out for surfing! We took pictures, laughed and basically just spent the day in awe of nature and the beauty of this island and enjoying each other's company! We had real fruit snacks, water and some nuts for our snack and I think Jen had a PB&J, the only thing I have really missed on this this juice fast. And I must say, my pear was INCREDIBLE! I almost ate the core! Truly a breathtaking day!

So today, I slept in a bit, got up at 530am...hey, I've had a very busy week. Started my day with a fruit & veggie juice of pineapple, grapefruit, apple, clementines, celery and clover sprouts. Very refreshing!

I have a lot of work to do today...on my way! Have a great day everyone!

Day 4 - Going Strong

2011-07-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

Feeling pretty good! Woke up at 5am this morning and got ready for the day. I made a Vegetable juice with beets, tomatoes, cabbage, carrots and celery with a splash of hot sauce. YUMMY! I'm going hiking this morning and I feel good about my energy levels today. I'm bringing water and fruit and my water-proof camera.

Yesterday, I had a shoot in the morning on the North Shore and afterwards on my way home, I stopped at Lanikea Beach to watch the turtles and ended up watching all the people. Poor turtles, there were 6 of them, some trying to come onto the beach but there were so many tourists the entire beach was lined! I was perched on a rock and just watched and I started to think about what the turtles might be thinking. I know if I was in the water trying to come to the beach to warm up and there were all of these giants lining the edge, I might be afraid and then I might think about how silly they all looked staring at me..so I might also flip them a flipper too! I have to say, I have always loved sea life but since I have moved here, those turtles take my breath away! I am always grateful to get to see them and I feel so blessed to call Hawaii home.

Then I realized I was one of those gawkers with a camera and while I wasn't standing at the beach, I was still part of the problem. So I said a silent farewell and went home. It was a wonderful day for me!

Day 3 of My Juice Fast...

2011-07-27T10:06:00.000-07:00

...I actually woke up looking forward to what kind of juices I will make today. Monday was by far, the most difficult. Yesterday went by pretty smoothly, I was busy and that helped. I got a little tired in the afternoon, not sure it was juice so much as it as getting up at 430am. I took a little nap and got busy again and was able to go to bed at 930...fell right asleep. I got up at 430am again, which is good practice for when I begin running again. I wasn't terribly hungry and I feel good, solid and kind of peppy. I weighed in at 224.4 this morning...so about 6lbs lost so far. While I am looking to lose weight, I really am trying to jump start my body back on a vegetarian diet and get the crap (figuratively and literally) out of me.

My skin seems to be a little clearer this morning. A few hives, but nothing like usual. I am hoping that within the next couple of weeks I will be able to have clear skin and not have to take medication...we shall see. I hope to start running again within a few days. I have been very active with shoots and stuff so it's not like I am sitting around lethargic on juice...;) I just want to be used to it and get a few more pounds off my body so it doesn't hurt as much. While I can run, it's very inefficient and painful, so I end up in a vicious cycle of running one day, in pain for 2-3...then mentally trying to psych myself up for it all over again. So that's my rationale....

More to come!

WOW - 18 months is a long time!

2011-07-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

My last post was January 26, 2010 - 18 months ago. Now I know that I have shared what's been going on with my weight loss and weight gain on Facebook and sharing with all sorts of people along the way, but 18 months ago is a long time to not write here. So sorry.

So a recap is in order. Well I lost 62 pounds in 6 months, walked the Great Aloha Run last February. I ran the Army 10 miler last June. I had shoulder surgery 2 weeks later, followed by 5 months of Physical Therapy. I ran the Honolulu Marathon last December, very slowly, but I did finish! I ran the Ford Island Bridge Run this January as well as the Navy Seebee 10K with my husband, Actually he finished about 30 mins ahead of me and waited with a water cup at the finish line for me. I ran the Great Aloha Run this past February with a friend and knocked off an hour off my previous time. And I gained 42 pounds back.

During all of this, my son came home for R&R from Iraq, I flew to the mainland to see my daughter and grandson, the holidays set in upon return and I got complacent. Then I got lazy, then discouraged and ended up almost in the same boat as I was in last year. I even got a little depressed and I just remember having the same thoughts of "I will always be fat so what's the point?"

But a couple of things happened as well that were like lifelines for me. Several of my friends were thanking me for inspiring them to change their lives! WHAT???? ME????? I don't feel very inspiring, but so many shared their experiences of weight loss and healthy lifestyle changes and how they started because of what I had been doing. WOW! I felt honored and ashamed all at the same time. While they were doing all the right things to better health I was putting on the pounds and all but stopped running.

So I decided to revisit some of the things I did last year to help me lose the 62 pounds. I had become a vegetarian so I recommitted myself to eating strictly vegetarian again. I had slipped these past 7-8 months with eating the occasional chicken and turkey, then it was hamburger and steak...next thing I knew I was in the McDs drive thru ordering a Big Mac. The thing is, I know it doesn't taste good, I know it's a terrible waste of calories, very little nutritional value but I did it anyway. I also had stopped measuring and weighing my food. I stopped logging it, I actually tried not to think about it and the more I tried, the more I DID think about it. A non-stop orgy of thoughts some days.

So last month I moved my work area upstairs OUT of the kitchen, I stopped buying fast food and meat and for the past 4 days have been on a juice and strict vegetarian diet, no meat, no dairy, no bread (for now) although I did have a roll and a piece of cake Sunday at the luncheon. But social eating is still such a complex situation...I digress. I am in day 2 of a total juice fast that I plan on lasting 3 days on, a day off to eat vegetables and fruits, then back on a 3 day juice fast.

Why juice? Well last Thursday evening, I watched a documentary called Fat, Sick, and Almost Dead. I started it in my sewing room while I was working and ended up watching, mesmerized! It's Joe Cross' story of how at 310 pounds and suffering from hives and rashes (Uticaria) for 9 years, he decided that enough was enough! He was taking prednisone everyday and still dealing with skin condition and feeling like crap. By the way, in December, the morning after the Marathon, I awoke to not only sore muscles, swollen knees, blisters and black toenails (all common after effects of 26.2 miles) I also awoke to a swollen face with hives starting from my hairline down my neck and up behind and in my ears. I looked like a freak! Not the way one anticipates celebrating the day after a marathon. I went to the doctor who said I might be allergic to the sunscreen I used...blah blah blah....after many more doctor's visits and topical steroids and many Internet and book searches later, I have no concrete answer to what ails me. I just know that since I have been obese I have allergies and eczema now this...well so after watching this movie and discovering how Joe got his health back I have decided to follow a similar path.

Joe is an Australian who lives both in Australia and the United States. He decided to fast on fruit and vegetable juice for 60 days under the care of his physician and he traveled to America to film a documentary about how we eat here. He talked with so many people about what and how they ate, no surprises to discover that fast food, brown food is an ingrained staple of our western diet. And he talked with other obese people about their issues with weight and food and again, no surprises...they knew that they needed to change their eating and lifestyle habits, even knew a lot of what they needed to do, but didn't. I saw myself in those people...having the knowledge and experience and still not doing what I needed to do. Again, not surprising. It's easy to find other things to do to put my health last, to not go for a run, to grab a packaged item that does nothing to satiate my hunger and leaves me feeling like crap. No wonder I have been dealing with some depression, the sugar roller coaster! Again, I digress....

...well as Joe traveled across the country fasting and talking with people, he met a man named Phil at a truck stop in Arizona. Phil was a truck driver who weighed 429 pounds! My first thought was, he weighs 200 pounds more than me and that almost was a convincing argument that I was still manageable....HA! Well Joe and Phil talked about what Phil ate on the road, how he felt physically and Phil revealed that he had the same skin condition as Joe. And they talked about that. Then Joe shared with Phil what he had been doing to take back his life and health and Phil seemed mildly impressed but at the same time he seemed like he might have thought Joe to be a nutcase! So after a few more minutes, Joe and Phil parted ways and the story continued about Joe and his juice fast and his progress and his eventual return to Australia. He had lost 92 lbs on his fast! He began his next phase of eating a vegetarian diet and exercise to get into shape and be healthy. He looked like a completely different man! He looked 10 years younger and he looked happy! Not too surprising...I mean, restrict calories in and expend calories and you will lose weight....right?

Then Joe got a call from Phil 2 months after their brief meeting and Phil reminded Joe that he had offered to help him when he was ready and Phil was calling to say he was ready for Joe's help. A little surprising...but what really got me was that Joe got on a plane back to the US and helped Phil get started. He took him to the doctor's where Phil got a full battery of tests and exams and then he bought him a juicer and truck load of vegetables and fruits and took him to a lakeside cottage and helped Phil get started. He stayed with him the first few nights to help Phil learn how to make his juice and walk with him a step at a time and then he left Phil on his own...and flew back to Australia. Phil stayed out there intending to do a 10 day fast and we get to see Phil go through the struggle of drastically changing not only his eating habits but his thinking habits....Phil was severely depressed....then Phil decided he was going for it! Long story short, Phil lost over 200 lbs! IN EIGHT MONTHS! And he changed his life! He no longer works as a truck driver, he works in a health fitness club and he shares his experiences with everyone he meets, including his brother, who had a heart attack while Phil was on his journey!

Funny thing is, after seeing this and being not only inspired but DRIVEN to action, I have read many supportive comments about the film and yet, some not so nice things about overweight people. There is a very mean spirit out there about obesity. I don't blame anyone but myself for my weight and health. Sure genetics probably play a role in the way my body works, but I alone control what I put in my mouth and how much I move. With that said, I don't believe I have ever wanted to be fat! I don't believe I set about a path of self-destruction on purpose. Sure, many factors played a role, fast food convenience, a stressful job, single parenting, a sick parent, hormones, the list goes on endlessly...it's called life. And while I feel over all that I cope well with life, I probably have used food to numb out just like someone getting drunk over a breakup or whatever else we do to deny the current situation...but the goal isn't about making excuses or defending how I got this way...the goal is to help those out there who do struggle with food, whether they are overweight or underweight....and to be an example of one who is still in it!

I still refuse to have surgery, although I have thought about way more these past few months than ever before...I refuse to take diet pills and powders and eat "diet" foods, all of which are processed. And then I thought, not if Phil can do this, I can - but I've done this before....I have lost 62 pounds in 6 months before...the marathon is 20 weeks away, I weighed 230 on Saturday...I can do it again! So that's what I am doing....

Keep It Simple Stupid

2010-01-26T20:15:00.000-08:00

First, I am wearing a pair of pants I haven’t worn since the summer of 2008. Okay, they’re not from the summer of 1988, but they are still smaller than the ones I have been wearing and that is a positive! I have also lost 1.5 inches from around my neck, no it’s not because of the tank tops, it’s 1.5 inches of whatever has been hanging around it for a long time. Now I just have a double chin instead of a triple! I also have lost 2.5 inches from my waist and while I have more to go, things are moving in the right direction.
On the weight training, I have added pounds, and that’s a good thing! My cardio health is improving as well; I jogged a mile in 13:54. I am keeping up in Zumba class and I am up to six cardio sessions a week. Last week I burned over 6,000 calories and this week I reset my goal to 7,000 calories. And I must tell you that I climbed six flights of stairs at the hospital without stopping. Yes, I was out of breath, but not until I hit the 5th floor and I had enough to get to the 6th! Progress measured slowly and surely.
Some other things I have learned and become very aware of are that diet foods are not necessarily good foods. I have been doing a ton of reading about food and where it comes from and how it is that we eat so many processed foods. I have also been checking the labels on my food more thoroughly, not just for calories and fat grams and cholesterol and protein and sugars; but for the trade off of less fat for more sugar and sodium. It started because I need to add more protein to my diet and I would like to do so without supplements. I should be able to get everything I need from food right? Apparently, not always.
So as I was seeking lower fat sources of protein like cottage cheese, yogurts, and even milk, I discovered that they put an amazing amount of sugar and sodium to give back flavor. Same with peanut butter, I was trading 4 grams of fat for 195mg of sodium and 2grams of sugar. The calories were the same, 190 per serving and the saturated fat was only reduced by a half of a gram! OUTRAGEOUS!
Now I know that this may not be news to you, and quite honestly I was not surprised either, what shocked me was HOW MUCH sodium and sugars are added. Individual portions aside, in many cases the sugar is doubled and the sodium multiplied 4 times or more. So I reduce the fat only to get high blood pressure??? Okay, maybe not today…but over time this stuff adds up.
I went to buy a cookbook that had 200 recipes for fewer than 200 calories and it was highly recommended by the ladies in my food group. But then I opened the book and discovered that in every recipe there was some form of sugar substitute, reduced or fat free ingredient. In a lot of the recipes there were multiple ingredients like this, so I brought it back to the store.
I have decided that I want to eat FOOD, not edible foodstuff. I want real nutrition and not a chemical balance of synthetic stuff that the processors have whipped up to fool me into thinking that the fat free cheddar cheese is actually cheese. I have eaten the real stuff, it’s not.
In the course of my research, which I am still knee deep into, I have come to the conclusion that it is not food I am addicted to, it’s the processed ingredients that I have become addicted to - the fructose, glucose, dextrose, maltodextrose, and all the stuff the chemists have created out of corn. The added salt in the foods and the other forms of fat they have created to keep me buying the crap.
So my new challenge in this venture of losing weight, getting into shape and living a healthy life is to find a way to eat real food in moderation to maintain optimal health. The last few weeks I have stuck primarily to the perimeter of the grocery store and it is amazing the stuff I have not bought and do not miss. Oh sure, I had to go down a couple of aisles for the whole wheat bread and the canned vegetables and I still have work to do to get this junk out of my body and my life. Sort of like going through detox and yes, I have had the headaches, the lethargy, the moodiness but I think it’s going better than expected. One day at a time. Should be easy right?

Two Weeks, Two Pounds

2010-01-20T07:42:00.000-08:00

I have to say I am feeling discouraged and a bit angry that in the past two weeks I have only lost two pounds. I have been working my butt off and although I am not at “athlete” status, I am working hard. Cardio, strength training…I have increased my daily workouts from 3 to 6 a week. I am doing relatively well on the tracking food, only exceeding my daily calorie intake one day. I was hungry!

I have been working with Madalene for 5 weeks and over that time I have lost 10lbs. so that DOES equate to 2lbs a week, it’s just that I lost 6 of it 3 weeks ago! I know this is a slow and deliberate process but can’t a girl expect at least 1 pound to go away each week while doing all of this? Is that so unreasonable?

I must note that these two weeks have also been the first two weeks of the kids being back in the house after holiday vacation. I am sure that snacking it up with a two year old isn’t helping, but I did track what I ate. It also doesn’t help that some in my family are thin and eat whatever they want, whenever they want. It frustrates the hell out of me. It’s not like EVERYTHING I eat is low fat, sugar substitute….I am trying to eat in moderation. Yes, I know I am a grown woman and should not cave to such peer pressure…but I wonder if the stress of it is causing the weight plateau?

I have read how the body temporarily gains weight in the beginning of a weight training program, most due to the tearing of muscles and the body’s use of fluid to protect the muscles and that I need to be patient…but come on…just one pound.

The Lean and Healthy Lifestyle

2010-01-06T10:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a long day, sitting in a chair with other mostly obese people listening for the umpteenth time about exercise, nutrition and balance. I went there for help to control my eating. I left there exhausted, mentally drained and realizing that no matter where I go and what I do to reach out, the bottom line is that I must be able to solve this myself. There is no diet or drug or surgery that will fix my obesity. It was funny that after all the reading and trying and failing on so many diets; it all comes back to that damn food pyramid we learned about in 4th grade health class; food groups and moderation. Surprise, surprise!

I discovered that I am no longer 5 foot 7 inches; I am actually 5 foot 5 ½ inches. What this means is at 232 pounds, my BMI (Body Mass Index) is not 36. 3 but 38. I didn’t particularly like finding this out, especially since I have lost 6 pounds. But hey, I shake it off after a moody evening yesterday. I really must keep it all in perspective.

Bottom line is that this is going to be a long road of small changes and delayed rewards. I wonder how much of my weight problem has to do with my selfishness in seeking immediate gratification? It was discussed broadly and it really has made me think about how often I do what I want to do when I want to do it, whether it’s purchasing something or eating or wasting my time. I used to consider things before I took action unless I truly believed that action was necessary immediately. Now, I think I operate on a more emotional and needy level. Sort of like a child. Does this come from all the upheaval of the last few years? It only matters that I stop behaving this way.

I have to get to a place where I can trust that I really do not need that bag of cookies or Doritos or the pint of ice cream. I have to learn to eat for sustainment and fuel rather than to shove my feeling down my throat followed by a fat laden gulp of guilt! I do not like how this has changed who I am and I am not the person inside that everyone sees on the outside.

I am posting a couple of pictures of me, the first one was when I was 19 and had just finished basic training and advanced medic training at Fort Sam Houston, Texas. I am posting it to show you how I have seen myself for all this time. For those of you who know me, you know I haven’t looked that way for years.

This second one is from last May in my house in Kentucky. I wasn’t brave enough to post it then, not because I thought you didn’t know. It was because I didn’t recognize this person. Believe it or not, it was really the first time I actually saw how big I was and I have been damn angry since then!

Yes, I am morbidly obese and I am tired and cranky and fed up and I am scared. I am scared to die this way without having taken the opportunity to change it. I am tired of carrying the extra 87 pounds. I am tired of hoping that a shirt will cover my stomach or a pair of shorts will button at the waist. I am tired of my feet hurting because I am so heavy.

I have taken some great positive actions. I have hired a trainer to help me reach my fitness goals, I have committed to Zumba classes, and I have entered this Lean Healthy Lifestyle program and have committed this year to using all of these tools to get to my goal.

There’s no miracle drug or surgery for me. No special diet or quick fix. Estimating a 2 pound weight loss per week, and I am looking at a minimum of 10 months and I am committed to it. I want to live a long healthy life. I want to see my grandson grow up. I want to see my children fall in love and get married and have more grandchildren.
I want to see them realize their dreams and since it’s my job to be an example, I need to realize mine.

So today is January 6th and I have a group class at the hospital this morning and a strength training session with Madalene afterwards. It’s really just going to be one foot in front of the other for however long it is going to take.

It's 2010 and I Will Run a Marathon This Year.

2010-01-01T11:53:00.000-08:00

This is my day, my life. I will do everything within my power to reach my goals. I will no longer be morbidly obese, I will be healthy. I will no longer give in to my laziness, I will be productive. I will walk, and I will run and I will finish this race. I will no longer be weak, I will be strong. I will run the marathon in 2010!

The Battle Rages On

2009-12-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

So in November I had an annual physical and all the blood tests and consults to Mammogram, Dermatology, Allergy Clinic (something here is still making my eyes and nose run) and a new one - The Lean Healthy Lifestyle Clinic. Yes, being fat is an obvious act that cannot be hidden. In fact, I am teetering on MORBID Obesity according to the BMI guidelines that the hospital follows. More about that later.

So I have had my blood drawn, got my flu shots, had a mammogram (results came Sat, NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER), went to the dermatologist and had 26 skin tags frozen (and am currently awaiting them to disengage from my body) and he also informed me that the keratosis on my skin is from sun damage but not necessarily precancerous. Of course I will continue to use sunscreen.

Last Wednesday I met with Madalene for a physical fitness assessment and to lay out a plan of strength training and cardio. I start this morning. First up, Zumba®, a Latin inspired dance aerobic class, which is sure to kill me (so much for diabetes, hypertension, cancer and stoke)! Seriously, I attended a class up in Schofield back in July and could barely move for 3 days! Now after class, I have an hour of strength training with M. I hesitate to call it weight training, only because I doubt there will be much weight (except my own) involved. So wish me luck! If I can update this afternoon, you will know I am alive!

So back to the Lean Healthy Lifestyle program - my first appointment is Jan 5 and it is 6 hours long. I don't have a lot of information about it, other than I know that it's the same program that they send gastric bypass patients to before they have surgery. NO, I AM NOT HAVING GASTRIC BYPASS! Just want to be clear, I have considered it, and I am sure that I could gain 11 more pounds to qualify for it. But although it SEEMS like a quick and EASY solution, it is not. And it does not address the real issue of all this weight. That is what I need to work on so I can lose it safely and not have it come back. I have been a sad sack for a while and I am quickly understanding my need to no longer wish for this but to actually do something, anything!

When I quit smoking 10 1/2 years ago, it seemed like I quit cold turkey. I just stopped, but the truth is, I tried for 12 years to quit before I finally did. I quit during pregnancy but the minute (okay 6 weeks) I gave birth I started right back up. I used gum, hypnotism, drugs, counseling - with no success. Although the experts say every time you quit, you get closer to quitting for good. So maybe all those attempts were really just part of the success. Regardless, quitting an addiction is difficult and it requires a ton of work and daily vigilance. I still have the occasional day when I think, "Wouldn't it be nice to just have a cigarette with this cup of coffee?" Insanity never goes away!

I have come to a realization that I am addicted to food, it's not my excuse - it's just my awareness that I will battle this the rest of my life and if I am lucky, it will get easier like the smoking. There is so much about this issue that every day I find myself learning more and more about food in my life. Funny, I am Irish and true to the stereotype, I come from a long line of alcoholics (both recovering and still practicing). I grew up in AA and Alateen and Alanon. I have spent my whole life hyper aware of my non drinking and my drinking when I began, how much and why. I have been "waiting" to become an alcoholic myself. Instead, I used food.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and know that I am working hard at this.

charity:water

2009-08-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

Aloha!

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you why I support charity:water. I heard about them a year ago when my friend Sarah had asked that in lieu of gifts for her daughter, Audrey's, 2nd birthday, to please donate to this organization. I went to their website, read about their organization and donated on behalf of Audrey. I then followed them on twitter and facebook and discovered an amazing story of some incredible people, who are doing wonderful things to raise money to provide safe access to clean drinking water.

I have done a few things to promote their cause including donating money, re-tweeting their tweets on twitter and re-posting their status updates on facebook. I have also told everyone I know about them. Well that didn't seem like a lot and it really isn't hard to copy and paste. charity:water has made me rethink how I use water in my life. They also helped me to realize that I can do so much more in my life to help others, however seemingly small. So I decided I wanted to do more.

In July began a small campaign at my new house in Hawaii to collect old bottles, cans and other recyclables with deposits that are left around my community and turning it in for cash, in turn pledging that amount to charity:water. I've stopped buying bottled water and now donate the amount I would have spent on it to charity:water. Every day when I wash dishes, clean my clothes, take a shower, brush my teeth, and do anything else involving the use of water - makes me think about how fortunate I am to have safe clean water available to me any time I want it. I have taken it for granted my whole life, just like most Americans. Every bit counts!

I am so grateful and appreciative to be able to live on this beautiful island, in the middle of the Pacific, with all the amenities of any place in the mainland of the US. I am committed to reducing the waste in my life and when I see waste elsewhere I am going to do what I can to make a difference. And the best part is that I can turn that into cash for my charity, charity:water.

Please visit charity:water on their website to learn how you can make a difference. You can follow them on facebook here and on twitter here.

By the way, Audrey will be turning 3 on September 5th and I am will be making a donation on her behalf again - will you join me? Audrey's Birthday Page.

Mahalo!

Has it Really Been Three Months?

2009-08-20T18:25:00.000-07:00

Seriously? Oh my, how time flies when one has to move across the country with a kid, grandkid, two dogs, two trucks and God only knows the EXACT weight of our household goods. It's been quite a summer since my last post moving from hot and humid Kentucky to not quite as hot and not quite as humid Hawaii.

I actually ran another 5K shortly after we arrived; the 4th of July Run/Walk on Schofield Barracks, Hawaii. It was hot and the hill was gradual but long. It took me a little longer to finish than the one in May - 49:07. A couple of things affected me besides the heat one of which was that while I was pushing Brian in the stroller, I did not have Rachel with me. She was up ahead running with her dad. I really do think there is something to having a running partner.
We moved into our house at the beginning of July and we have a small gym just a block away. I was pretty consistant in going until the furniture arrived as well as my son, Jimmy on leave at the end of July. I am still mired in the chaos of an unorganized house and still have a bit of unpacking to do.

My eating hasn't been terrible but I know I could do a lot better than I have been. I seem to give into my emotions a lot easier than before, not sure if it's the early stages of menpopause or if I have finally been officially overwhelmed by the circumstances in my life. I have been eating healthier and reduced the snacking; and there was a week where I was weighing in at 228.5 but now I am back to 230lbs. I have my days when I feel resigned to being a large woman and it can depress the shit out of me. I know the things I need to do for myself but find that I give it up too easily for everything else I need to do within my family.

It's almost like I am afraid to change. Which is so ridiculous given that I haven't always been a fat woman and there didn't seem to be a lot of fear in changing from a thin one to my current form. I actually hate that I am fat - I mean I REALLY hate it. I know, I want to focus on being able to run but I find that difficult because it fricking hurts like hell sometimes to do so. So I am always confronted by my weight - no matter how much I try to not be.

A couple of things have happened since May that have really struck a nerve for me. One was reconnecting with an Army friend I hadn't seen since shortly after the birth of my son. She found me on facebook and a few weeks later flew to KY to see me as we were packing out - talk abotu timing...anyhow, she looked exactly the same! I mean she looked EXACTLY the same!!! Blew me away!!! I thought, how come the 21 years hadn't changed her physically the way it has seemingly PUNISHED the crap outta me?!! Of course she looked a little older, but in a GREAT way. It was so wonderful to see her and hug her and realize how much I had missed her.

After she left, I felt such a tremendous sense of failure. How did I let this happen to me?? Where is the person she used to know? I know she was just as happy to see me and I know that even though she noticed how much I had physically changed that she still loves me and has missed me the same. But it's like getting a kick in the gut (is that why they call it a gut check?) and it hurt.

The second thing to occur was my realization that as I have been reconnecting with other people from my past they still look the same! I mean, yes everyone has aged, but they are no worse for wear. They are still of normal weight and they all look great. It has made me start to think about why I have put on all this weight. I am not talking about 20, 30 or even 40 pounds. I am talking over 100lbs at my heaviest (242 in January). That is a hell of a lot of weight! It is the amount of weight that a lot of folks have gained who get gastric bypass. It's the equivelant of another person!

One other thing that happened last night. I spent the evening dancing with our neighbors and my daughter and grandson. Now when I say dance, I am talking DANCE! We shook our booties to the ground! And while I thoroughly enjoyed myself, as I was watching others boogie (showing my age) down I realized once again how ABNORMAL it is for me to be fat. It's not that they are skinny, it's that they are NORMAL weight! Which means they can move easier than I can and they can do th moves that I only do in my head.

So I think I need to revise my strategy. I need to work on my eating habits AND work on my lifestyle habits. I need to find that confidence that I once had. I need to know in my head and my heart that I can do this. I also need to get a trainer! Someone who I can give permission to crack the proverbial whip! I can't do this by myself anymore.

Just Did It

2009-05-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

Today was gorgeous! I was on my way to the gym out of habit, and I was passing the track and decided why not? I pulled in and parked and thought, I will do what I can. This track is 1/2 mile so I thought, just do 6 laps - don't think about how far you will run and how far you will walk. Just do it. So I did. I took my iPhone (I carry my phone when outside just in case something happens) which has my music loaded. I had my ID card and my truck key in a small pocket in my shorts, drank some water and away I went. What a gorgeous day - 68 degrees, clear skies, and a gentle breeze blowing, so not the typical day of the last few months here. I felt good and was only slightly worried about my allergies because it's a huge problem in Kentucky.

There was a woman pushing a baby stroller, a couple of men walking on their lunch break, and another couple walking but I felt like I had the place to myself. I walked for a few minutes and then started to jog. Listening to my new Keith Urban cd and just cruising. I didn't run fast, just a nice jog and I thought I will jog as far as I can, check my heart rate and walk until I feel like jogging again. And that's exactly what I did. I was fascinated by watching the birds fly in and out of the fields and for the most part kept a good form with my shoulders relaxed and my butt tucked under my hips and looking forward and not down.

Well, mostly, I notice that when I go from a walk to jogging, I start out with my shoulders shrugged up and I tend to lean forward, like I am going to sprint. But within a few seconds, I realize what is happening and I focus on getting the different parts aligned. I feel so much better when I have good form and I credit it for helping me stay injury free. I have a relatively high tolerance for all types of pain, but when it has come to running before, I used to call the soreness I was feeling pain so I would have an excuse not to do it anymore. I am very aware of the fact that running is creating a great deal of stress on my body, I weigh 230 lbs and that's a lot of force to be putting on these hips, knees and ankles. So I run slowly and I work on my form and I run for as long as I think I can, then I run a little more. Sure, I feel sore when I am running sometimes, but nothing long lasting and I am learning the difference between soreness and real pain.

Now, I am out there running and I start to think about how self-conscious I was just a few months ago and how it kept me from even trying to run. I used to wear long pants and baggy shirts, sometimes with a jacket wrapped around my waist and I would only walk. I would put my headphones and sunglasses on and pretend I was invisible, quite a trick for a large woman. But I would not run, I wouldn't even try! Same in the gym, I just couldn't get over the fact that everyone was staring at me and imagining what they could be thinking. Boy it was nice to run in shorts and not care what anyone thought, including the two guys I passed on the course. Sure, they were walking, but I wondered if they felt just a bit guilty seeing the fat girl run and they weren't. Yes, I have those thoughts! I am competitive.

A few weeks ago, my daughter purchased a sports bra for me. She had been watching my frustration trying on all these "sports bras" only to discover none fit! So she researched online and found a place and ordered it. Coincidentally, the first day I wore it was May 6, the same day I ran 2 miles without stopping. I call it my miracle bra. If you have never experienced the wondrous feeling of having your breasts bouncing so hard it takes the wind out of you, you cannot appreciate the beauty of a perfect fitting bra! It's a Glamorise Sport Max Bra. I had been contemplating using ace bandages to bind them puppies up! It is painful, I sometimes would look for bruising! On the same topic, I started thinking about how I am so glad I bought these compression shorts by Under Armour because they really help with the jiggling of my stomach. It's amazing how I can wrap it all up and feel like a different person, is that why our mothers and grandmothers wore girdles? I am kidding of course, but as for running, the answer is in keeping things compact, or at least immobile.

So I finished my 6 laps (3 miles) and it took me 41:24, same time as I did on the treadmill on Saturday, so that's progress! I expect to be slower outside because the treadmill gives you forward momentum and has a softer surface than asphalt. Another thing I noticed was that my heart rate never got past 168bpm and my one minute recovery heart rate is getting better as well. And in spite of my dry throat from allergies, my breathing was pretty even. I felt better running and I actually enjoyed it. I drank a whole bottle of water and headed home.

I am so glad I did it.

One Saturday in May

2009-05-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, May 9, 2009 I, along with my daughter and grandson, completed the 5K Walk/Run race for the American Red Cross. I know it’s been almost a week since then, but I have had a few computer issues (long story) but I am posting now. Now I first need to thank Lori Price for all the wonderful photographs she took of my family and I at the start and at the end of the race. She is a long time friend whose twins were running the same race.
In the pictures you will notice that we are smiling in all of them. Now we are not faking them, as my daughter, Rachel and I were indeed smiling the entire race. We were laughing and joking and encouraging each other all the way. We got up early that morning to make sure we ate a healthy breakfast and had some time for digestion and for drinking plenty of water before going down to the Red Cross station here on Fort Knox.We signed in and put our numbers on and I felt all sorts of butterflies in my stomach. I kept reminding myself that I was racing myself with the following objectives; to finish the race, to run as much as I could of it, and to not let anyone I passed pass me. But I guess because it was a race, the competitive nature in me started sizing up my “competition” and I use this term LOOSELY. The only thing I had on them was indeed my size. There were people of all ages, sizes and abilities and it was incredible to see how many kids were participating. Brian of course was riding this race, but I envision him running with me one day. So I tried to focus on being calm and relaxed. Rachel and I met up with Lori and her family and we caught up for a few having not seen each other in over 6 years. She even brought pictures of my son with her twins when the twins were 7 and my son was 13. It was nice to see her family grown and I think she loved seeing Rachel and meeting Brian.

Me, Rachel and Brian waiting for the start of the race.

Well, the race began and the runners started first and then all of us followed. Rachel and I used the first quarter mile to snake our way through the pack, all the way pushing the stroller with Brian in it. Then we started to jog. It was humid and hot and only 8:30 in the morning! My legs initially felt like two heavy logs but soon I started to get into a groove. Rachel and I jogged then power-walked for about the first mile and we made short-term goals, such as we’ll run until the turn, we’ll start running when we crest this hill, we’ll start walking once we pass the lady in the red shirt, etc. We laughed the entire course!

Shortly after the start, snaking our way through the pack.

The home stretch - thank goodness for the stroller for holding me up!

Yes, we laughed the whole way!!!

The course was hilly but all on asphalt. I have only run on that surface a handful of times. The weather during spring in Kentucky is very wet so I do a lot of my running on a treadmill at the gym. So I was feeling pretty good about being able to run this race. As we turned the corner to the finish line, there were soldiers who had run the race in formation lined up on either side of the finish line and they were cheering everyone on! We began the race at 1min 7secs and completed it at 43:07, with a time of 42 minutes flat! What a great way to finish!

Our finish line reception - those soldiers were cheering really loud! I felt like a million!

After the race with Josh and Micheal. Brian was wondering when he was getting outta there!

I have to say, I am proud of myself for doing it and I am glad that I am running again. Even though I still have a long way to go to reach my goals, I feel so motivated with accomplishment. I am really beginning to see the fruits of my labor and while the weight is coming off slowly, I am getting stronger every day.

2009-05-04T07:21:00.000-07:00

I Am Only One

2009-05-03T07:10:00.001-07:00

Something About Forty Something

2009-05-02T09:32:00.001-07:00

This is my dad Jim and my little sister April and this photo was taken sometime in 1974. My dad was 42. He had quit smoking and taken up jogging. My brother Tony and I would try to get up early to go with him but most of the time, I fell behind because I couldn't keep up. My dad was pretty fast and my brother would run with all his might to keep up, I guess he was far more determined than I to finish. We were only 9 and 10 and I remember the feeling of failure to keep pace. Of course now I realize we were just little kids and even though my brother finished he would be wiped out and exhausted. I would usually make it about half way and walk the rest of the way home.

But what I remember most about his running in the morning was how he would sit on the driveway afterwards with his newspaper and coffee and wait with my sister for her bus. I think it was one the highlights of his day. One thing my father did pretty well was to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it was.

I am 44 now and I am a grandmother. That's my little grandboy Brian on my back and I really enjoy being with him whenever and wherever we are. He and his mommy, my daughter Rachel moved back home in December last year and I feel so fortunate to have him with me each day.

I run now and even though I am still slow, I finish and I relish that I can do it now. I think of my father quite a bit on my runs and I wish he were here to run with me. It would be nice to share the road with him and in some ways, I still get to.

Permanently

2009-04-28T06:03:00.001-07:00

Live to Fight Another Day

2009-04-20T02:16:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking this past weekend about how I sabotage myself in my weight loss efforts. I do pretty good with the eating and exercising and then I have a day like Saturday. I start the day off with a yogurt, coffee and water. I take TWO bottles of water to the gym for my hour long walk/run and some things occur and I am off track.

First, because my legs are sore I set the time for 45 minutes instead of my usual 60. I run two miles and walk one and do a 5 minute cool down. My rationale is 2 to 1 run/walk ratio and I need to go to the grocery store and then take Rachel (my daughter) to work. Then I go to the grocery store - I am starving but I have my list and I do really well sticking to my list until I see the Easter candy on clearance....so I throw some in the cart. Why? I think I thought why not? It's FAT FREE candy, I'll have some as a reward...this is why I shouldn't go near a grocery store when I am starving!

So I am driving home and starving (am I really starving at 230 pounds?) and I reach in the bag, not for a yogurt or a cheese stick or even a whole wheat tortilla - no I grab the bag of candy and think just a few until I get home. Slippery slope....

I get home and I bring in all the groceries and put them away and I sit down in front of my computer with a water and you guess it...CANDY! I engage in mindless nibbling.....binging?...and the next thing I know, I have eaten half the bag!!!! That's 700 calories of PURE SUGAR!!!!

So I think about this and I post this to my Spark nutrition page and figure hey, I still have 1390 calories left in the day...I will be okay. Within the next hour I finish the bag of candy and another 700 calories are consumed. My mind immediately rationalizes this by thinking I will just do some cardio with the Wii boxing and besides, I still have 690 calories left for dinner (I still haven't had lunch or any real food since the morning).

I take a show and I feel so tired and I think it's because of the Benedryl I took earlier so I lay down for about 30 minutes and I fall into a DEEP sleep (a sugar coma) and Rachel wakes me up so I can take her to work and I feel hungover. I slowly drag myself downstairs and get into the car and take her to work and I realize, I am still starving and haven't eaten lunch. It's almost 4pm by this time and I have to take a movie back to the Redbox and I decide I will take it to the one in front of McDonald's because I can pull in right in front and leave Brian (my grandson) in his car seat while I return it. A good plan for efficiency right? Not good for someone who is starving - because as I pull out from returning the movie I find myself entering the drive through. I decide I will just get a small cheese burger and a happy meal for Brian with Chicken nuggets and apple dippers and milk. No fries, no soda just a cheeseburger...but I am starving and am too irritable at this stage to go home and cook so I rationalize my next choice by telling myself it will be lunch AND dinner. So I order the Quarter Pounder with cheese meal with DIET lemonade...I am trying right???

I eat my meal driving home so fast that before I hit the gate, I only have the lemonade left. We get home, I finish feeding Brian, he only eats two nuggets and some apple slices and he's off to play...see I am not learning to do what Brian instinctively does, eats until he is full. For a second, I think I am bigger than him...until I start to feel like CRAP! Now remember, I haven't eaten red meat for a long time and suddenly I am feeling my stomach turn and feel ill. And then it hits me, GARBAGE IN GARBAGE OUT! and you can guess where I am next.

I feel terrible the rest of the evening, I am irritable, impatient, exhausted and drained. I am counting every minute until I can go to bed. Poor Brian wants to run and play and I am like a dead lump of crap just slogging along and laying around letting him climb on me and I can tell he is getting irritated with me! He has every right - I failed big time on Saturday! Finally it's 9pm and he is ready for bed and so am I! We get ready for bed I hold him and sing to him and then put in down, he rolls over into his comfy position and within minutes is asleep.

Instead of going to bed myself, I go downstairs to watch a movie and wait for Rachel to get home. Around midnight she does and we chat for about a half hour and finally go to bed. I fall asleep instantly because the next thing I know, it's 8:06 am on Sunday and Brian is playing right outside my bedroom door and I realize I have lived to fight another day!

So I have learned a few valuable lessons; first, sugar is NOT my friend! Second, if I eat like my grandson does then maybe this would be a much easier process. And third, I need to find out why I feel "hungry" all the time.

So I eat my breakfast, drink some water and then go to the gym and set the time for 60 minutes and I run 2.5 miles and walk 2 miles and I realize that the hour is my friend and a full 10 minute cool down is my lifesaver! I come home, eat a protein bar, shower, do some laundry and wake up Brian from his nap. We play, eat some lunch and play some more (it's been storming outside since Saturday night) and we just enjoy each other and I don't think about food on Sunday the way I obsessed about it on Saturday. We eat a moderate dinner and I have stayed well below my daily calorie limits. We both go to bed at 9pm last night and I wake up this morning refreshed and ready.

It really is a daily process, sometimes meal by meal. The best thing for me is that I didn't let Saturday turn into a weekend bender or worse, discourage me and get me off track for longer. I will go to the gym in an hour and I will work my walk/run program like I haven't skipped a beat. I have a pretty important goal - I want to run! Oh yeah I almost forgot, yesterday as I was leaving the gym, I saw an advertisement about a 5k Run for the American Red Cross and I grabbed a brchure and have decided I will do it. It's on May 9th and I have 2.5 weeks to get myself up for it. I am not racing for time, I am racing for my own personal best - to complete it.

I have lived to fight for this day.

I Get It.

2009-04-14T08:25:00.000-07:00

Interesting that this was on my welcome screen this morning after posting last night. I get this! I really do - it's exactly how I have been feeling about this whole experience. That I was just going to fail anyway. The disaster. I realize that for many of the last ten years, I convinced myself that it was okay to be overweight, my calling wasn't about my looks and therefore, it didn't matter. I had bought into the media hype about weight and looks. How superficial is that. Then I think I began to accept my failure and decided I would try to live with it - except the failure was getting larger, literally.

I remember a few years ago shortly after my dad passed away and I went on a cruise to Mexico with some friends. I weighed 197 at the end of that cruise and was surprised that I had lost weight during it. Below is a picture of me during that cruise. I hadn't been below 200 for almost 7 years before and haven't been that since.

Now I thought hey, I look pretty okay and this might be the best it's going to be for me. I can live with that. Well, 4 years and 45lbs later - I cannot live with it. Stress really does have a lot to do with your physical well-being and I certainly was stressed during this time - I had lost my dad, my kids were in that wonderful stage of life called TEENS and I went back to work without anytime to grieve. I don't recommend it. That smile you see, was probably the only smile I had for the next few months, maybe the whole next year. I was sad and tired and I wanted to be anywhere but where my life was. Now I am sure that my attitude contributed to the weight gain and I am certain that I had no motivation back then.

But now I do - I care and I am motivated and for the first time in a very long time I am positive that I can do this. Not because I am faking it til I make it - because I finally want it bad enough. Sure getting below 200 would be a wonderful success - but it's not enough - I need to be fit and healthy and I want to live an active life with my husband and children and grandson. I do not really know what that magic number will be but I am convinced that when I feel good about myself and when I have the energy to spend the entire day with my family actively and when I no longer have that weighty feeling I have been carrying around I will know.

This morning I ran a whole mile without stopping. It felt so wonderful to do it. I have been doing a 90 minute walk/jog thing where I alternate walking a certain distance and jogging the same distance. I have been averaging a 15:30 mile and doing so for about 3 weeks. I also have been hiking and doing some track work with Brian on my back or in the jogging stroller. My goal has been to increase my endurance and work on my breathing. My endurance has actually been increasing steadily and I have had little issue with going further.

My breathing is another matter. Ever since we moved here to Kentucky, I have been experiencing the hellish side effects of full-blown allergies. I used to think it was an overstated issue but now that I have experienced the stopped up nose, watery and itchy eyes and the hives I apologize to any and all who I might have made light of their problem before. It is terrible to live this way. The glorious part of it all is the medication; makes you sluggish and sleepy. But it's not an excuse. I have to figure it out and I have been working on timing my workouts and my medication so that I can exercise through the sleepiness and breath through the exercise.

Except for some hot days, it's working out okay. Today it's rainy and cold so I felt okay, until that adrenaline kicked in from jogging and my nose started running just as fast. Have you ever had to blow your nose while jogging? It's not easy. So I find that I breath in and out of my mouth. Which is not necessarily bad, but if I don't control it, I start to hyperventilate and that's where I get into some trouble. It's all a process.

Hanging in there.

Talking about sleeping...

2009-04-13T12:47:00.001-07:00

Well, I guess as long as you don't give up, you're still in the fight right? My life has changed so dramatically since that last post. I have had a hysterectomy, found out we were NOT retiring to North Carolina but instead hubby got promoted and we are moving to Hawaii in June, my daughter and my grandson moved back home, and I find myself a stay-at-home-mom/gram. I have closed up my sewing room to make room for my grandson (no biggie) and adjusted my schedule to accommodate a working daughter and a toddler has been interesting to say the least. Now don't get me wrong, I asked for this and I am so happy they are here.

But once again, I have put me last and as for my weight, it has been a roller coaster to say the least. I started 2009 at 242 lbs. Yes, I GAINED more after that last post - I could blame it on the holidays, the winter months or any number of things; but I won't. The truth of the matter is, I eat when I am stressed and I have been STRESSED OUT! I eat to celebrate and I have had some wonderful things to celebrate. I eat because I love food and it is a self-indulgence on my part. I only have myself to blame.

In March, I decided to get honest about what I have done to my body and take FULL responsibility for my current condition. Not my allergies, ten years of hormonal issues, hell, the babies are almost 20 & 21 now - I quit smoking 9 years and 10 months ago! No, I just eat too much - PERIOD. I eat a good variety of healthy things, but I still eat too much of it. I give in to my cravings like a child and that sort of makes me mad when I think about it. I am not a child, I am a grown woman who has taken care of everyone except myself.

For those of you who know me, know that I have wrestled with a lot of things and all of the time I have ended up in a better place than when I started. I have to say I have rarely experienced anything but ultimate success.

This weight issue is different - I have battled this ever increasing bulge miserably - with no success - I have averaged a yearly overall weight gain of 10lbs since 1999 when I quit smoking. Which means 100 pounds! Not good!

So I went back to SparkPeople and I have been trying a new approach - I just record all the activity I do and the food that I eat and I weight myself once a week (which is really difficult as I have an obsession about this weight). Yesterday I weighed in at 231 lbs. I had given up beef, pork and soda last year and I am working on moderation. I began March walking, increasing my distance and before I left for Florida I had just begun a walk/jog routine. I was averaging 5 miles a day and I was using the old golf course to add some resistance to my workout. I started with a 17 minute mile pace and have whittled it to a 15 minute mile pace. Yes, that is quite a feat given how much I weigh and the short amount of time I have been on this latest wagon.

But I want to run again - like I used to when I was younger. I want to feel strong and be able to rely on my body for the long haul. I have abused it with this obesity and it is not happy with me. I am currently in a catch-22 - I'm fat and obese so it's difficult for me to run because of the extra weight I have to carry (the only plus being I burn more calories than my hubby doing the same distance) and I need to up my cardio so I can burn the fat. I envision a fair amount of discomfort and possible pain.

A few weeks ago I checked out a couple of books on running and training to run distances and I have decided that I will find and compete in a half-marathon by the end of this year. I decided that I needed to take the focus off my weight and put it on running because I would naturally have to lose weight to attain the running goal. I think I have thought SO MUCH about my weight for SO LONG that I need to approach from a different perspective.

Another thing I recently realized was I had never actually confronted the weight issue because I never really thought much about how I looked. For years I have added on this weight and never really saw myself as fat - not until this past summer when I was around 30+ skinny people; most of whom were telling me how they need to lose weight (BARF); if only. A side note - I HATE when people of normal weight call themselves fat; it makes me want to check them into a hospital. Anyhow, I realized how much more I weighed and more importantly, how I looked relative to everyone else. Now some of you may find this strange given I live in a house of normal weighing people - but I honestly didn't see myself as THAT big and when I saw an obese person I would ask if I looked as big and the answer was no. Besides, I am an active person, teaching water aerobics and swimming lessons and I even competed in a swim meet and placed 1st a couple of heats. So even though I knew I was overweight, I thought I was at least healthy. Talk about delusional. Besides, when I hit the 22/24 size for shirts - I could no longer say it was because of my breasts - I am 5'7" tall and that's just too damn BIG! I need to lose weight NOW and I need to be serious about it. Running is my goal and losing weight is one of the keys to achieving it.

One last thing I discovered about myself is that I have been reluctant to talk about my weight with my friends and family and I don't usually post pictures of myself or have them taken for that matter. I have conveniently stayed out of the way. Now I started this blog with the full intention of disclosing my experiences to any and all who cared to read and it's not like I care who reads it - but oh that self-esteem crap gets in the way and I was literally hiding out. Besides, if I actually talked about this then I might actually have to commit to changing it. I haven't been committed. There, I said it. Now I am.

I am posting this blog along with my Sparkpeople to Facebook where my friends and family will see it and they can choose whether or not they read it. It's my way of staying honest about it all. If you want to encourage me, great. If you have any fresh ideas on how I can do anything better, great. I could really use tips on running and breath control. If what you read here helps you, then that's just an added bonus. I am doing this so I am no longer sleepwalking through my life. I hope that if you are struggling like me you realize that I still have hope and that you are not alone. It's a day at a time, sometimes a meal at a time. I hope for your journey as I hope in mine.

Slowly slowly slowly

2008-09-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

it's coming off. Ounces a day. I feel much better than I have in a long time in terms of stamina and strength. My allergies keep me from riding my bike or walking the dogs, but I hope to get that under control soon. Funny, I first publicized my weight loss goals here and then I immediately gained 11lbs. Then up and down for two months. It was depressing.

I joined SparkPeople 25 days ago and I have been pretty diligent in my efforts to get rid of this weight. My main motivation is being sick of being fat. My next one is to be able to run after my grandson Brian

My next motivation is I walk everyday at the gym and think about my gorgeous son, who just joined the Army.

I also think about the immediate benefit of getting my heart stronger for surgery. That's in 22 days. I know this is a lifestyle change and I am signed up for the long haul, but sometimes, I just need a daily reminder of why I want to do this. Why I NEED to do this.

Black is Slimming

2008-08-25T16:20:00.000-07:00

That's what they say and that's the rule I have lived by for about 10 years or so. Except I have always been too young for black and now I just want, strike that NEED color!

Except color on this fat girl just makes me look fatter. So I have been seriously trying to do something about that. I joined SparkPeople and have been focusing on getting at least 60 minutes a day of cardio exercise and limiting my calories and increasing my water intake. I have stopped drinking soda and started drinking milk. I enter my food intake, every ingredient so I have to account for a tsp. of butter to a TBSP of mayonaise. I have switch some thing to fat free but have yet to partake in sugar free. My head can't stand the sugar substitutes so I figure it's just better to go without.

I made a Spark Page and I have joined some groups who are made up of people with similar goals. My favorite group is Done With Being THE Fat Girl. I also belong to Shutterbugs and another group that has more than 50lbs to lose. I have made some friendships already and we encourage each other to stay motivated. It's all free!