Keep It Simple Stupid

First, I am wearing a pair of pants I haven’t worn since the summer of 2008. Okay, they’re not from the summer of 1988, but they are still smaller than the ones I have been wearing and that is a positive! I have also lost 1.5 inches from around my neck, no it’s not because of the tank tops, it’s 1.5 inches of whatever has been hanging around it for a long time. Now I just have a double chin instead of a triple! I also have lost 2.5 inches from my waist and while I have more to go, things are moving in the right direction.
On the weight training, I have added pounds, and that’s a good thing! My cardio health is improving as well; I jogged a mile in 13:54. I am keeping up in Zumba class and I am up to six cardio sessions a week. Last week I burned over 6,000 calories and this week I reset my goal to 7,000 calories. And I must tell you that I climbed six flights of stairs at the hospital without stopping. Yes, I was out of breath, but not until I hit the 5th floor and I had enough to get to the 6th! Progress measured slowly and surely.
Some other things I have learned and become very aware of are that diet foods are not necessarily good foods. I have been doing a ton of reading about food and where it comes from and how it is that we eat so many processed foods. I have also been checking the labels on my food more thoroughly, not just for calories and fat grams and cholesterol and protein and sugars; but for the trade off of less fat for more sugar and sodium. It started because I need to add more protein to my diet and I would like to do so without supplements. I should be able to get everything I need from food right? Apparently, not always.
So as I was seeking lower fat sources of protein like cottage cheese, yogurts, and even milk, I discovered that they put an amazing amount of sugar and sodium to give back flavor. Same with peanut butter, I was trading 4 grams of fat for 195mg of sodium and 2grams of sugar. The calories were the same, 190 per serving and the saturated fat was only reduced by a half of a gram! OUTRAGEOUS!
Now I know that this may not be news to you, and quite honestly I was not surprised either, what shocked me was HOW MUCH sodium and sugars are added. Individual portions aside, in many cases the sugar is doubled and the sodium multiplied 4 times or more. So I reduce the fat only to get high blood pressure??? Okay, maybe not today…but over time this stuff adds up.
I went to buy a cookbook that had 200 recipes for fewer than 200 calories and it was highly recommended by the ladies in my food group. But then I opened the book and discovered that in every recipe there was some form of sugar substitute, reduced or fat free ingredient. In a lot of the recipes there were multiple ingredients like this, so I brought it back to the store.
I have decided that I want to eat FOOD, not edible foodstuff. I want real nutrition and not a chemical balance of synthetic stuff that the processors have whipped up to fool me into thinking that the fat free cheddar cheese is actually cheese. I have eaten the real stuff, it’s not.
In the course of my research, which I am still knee deep into, I have come to the conclusion that it is not food I am addicted to, it’s the processed ingredients that I have become addicted to - the fructose, glucose, dextrose, maltodextrose, and all the stuff the chemists have created out of corn. The added salt in the foods and the other forms of fat they have created to keep me buying the crap.
So my new challenge in this venture of losing weight, getting into shape and living a healthy life is to find a way to eat real food in moderation to maintain optimal health. The last few weeks I have stuck primarily to the perimeter of the grocery store and it is amazing the stuff I have not bought and do not miss. Oh sure, I had to go down a couple of aisles for the whole wheat bread and the canned vegetables and I still have work to do to get this junk out of my body and my life. Sort of like going through detox and yes, I have had the headaches, the lethargy, the moodiness but I think it’s going better than expected. One day at a time. Should be easy right?

Two Weeks, Two Pounds

I have to say I am feeling discouraged and a bit angry that in the past two weeks I have only lost two pounds. I have been working my butt off and although I am not at “athlete” status, I am working hard. Cardio, strength training…I have increased my daily workouts from 3 to 6 a week. I am doing relatively well on the tracking food, only exceeding my daily calorie intake one day. I was hungry!

I have been working with Madalene for 5 weeks and over that time I have lost 10lbs. so that DOES equate to 2lbs a week, it’s just that I lost 6 of it 3 weeks ago! I know this is a slow and deliberate process but can’t a girl expect at least 1 pound to go away each week while doing all of this? Is that so unreasonable?

I must note that these two weeks have also been the first two weeks of the kids being back in the house after holiday vacation. I am sure that snacking it up with a two year old isn’t helping, but I did track what I ate. It also doesn’t help that some in my family are thin and eat whatever they want, whenever they want. It frustrates the hell out of me. It’s not like EVERYTHING I eat is low fat, sugar substitute….I am trying to eat in moderation. Yes, I know I am a grown woman and should not cave to such peer pressure…but I wonder if the stress of it is causing the weight plateau?

I have read how the body temporarily gains weight in the beginning of a weight training program, most due to the tearing of muscles and the body’s use of fluid to protect the muscles and that I need to be patient…but come on…just one pound.

The Lean and Healthy Lifestyle

Yesterday was a long day, sitting in a chair with other mostly obese people listening for the umpteenth time about exercise, nutrition and balance. I went there for help to control my eating. I left there exhausted, mentally drained and realizing that no matter where I go and what I do to reach out, the bottom line is that I must be able to solve this myself. There is no diet or drug or surgery that will fix my obesity. It was funny that after all the reading and trying and failing on so many diets; it all comes back to that damn food pyramid we learned about in 4th grade health class; food groups and moderation. Surprise, surprise!

I discovered that I am no longer 5 foot 7 inches; I am actually 5 foot 5 ½ inches. What this means is at 232 pounds, my BMI (Body Mass Index) is not 36. 3 but 38. I didn’t particularly like finding this out, especially since I have lost 6 pounds. But hey, I shake it off after a moody evening yesterday. I really must keep it all in perspective.

Bottom line is that this is going to be a long road of small changes and delayed rewards. I wonder how much of my weight problem has to do with my selfishness in seeking immediate gratification? It was discussed broadly and it really has made me think about how often I do what I want to do when I want to do it, whether it’s purchasing something or eating or wasting my time. I used to consider things before I took action unless I truly believed that action was necessary immediately. Now, I think I operate on a more emotional and needy level. Sort of like a child. Does this come from all the upheaval of the last few years? It only matters that I stop behaving this way.

I have to get to a place where I can trust that I really do not need that bag of cookies or Doritos or the pint of ice cream. I have to learn to eat for sustainment and fuel rather than to shove my feeling down my throat followed by a fat laden gulp of guilt! I do not like how this has changed who I am and I am not the person inside that everyone sees on the outside.

I am posting a couple of pictures of me, the first one was when I was 19 and had just finished basic training and advanced medic training at Fort Sam Houston, Texas. I am posting it to show you how I have seen myself for all this time. For those of you who know me, you know I haven’t looked that way for years.

This second one is from last May in my house in Kentucky. I wasn’t brave enough to post it then, not because I thought you didn’t know. It was because I didn’t recognize this person. Believe it or not, it was really the first time I actually saw how big I was and I have been damn angry since then!

Yes, I am morbidly obese and I am tired and cranky and fed up and I am scared. I am scared to die this way without having taken the opportunity to change it. I am tired of carrying the extra 87 pounds. I am tired of hoping that a shirt will cover my stomach or a pair of shorts will button at the waist. I am tired of my feet hurting because I am so heavy.

I have taken some great positive actions. I have hired a trainer to help me reach my fitness goals, I have committed to Zumba classes, and I have entered this Lean Healthy Lifestyle program and have committed this year to using all of these tools to get to my goal.

There’s no miracle drug or surgery for me. No special diet or quick fix. Estimating a 2 pound weight loss per week, and I am looking at a minimum of 10 months and I am committed to it. I want to live a long healthy life. I want to see my grandson grow up. I want to see my children fall in love and get married and have more grandchildren.
I want to see them realize their dreams and since it’s my job to be an example, I need to realize mine.

So today is January 6th and I have a group class at the hospital this morning and a strength training session with Madalene afterwards. It’s really just going to be one foot in front of the other for however long it is going to take.

It's 2010 and I Will Run a Marathon This Year.

This is my day, my life. I will do everything within my power to reach my goals. I will no longer be morbidly obese, I will be healthy. I will no longer give in to my laziness, I will be productive. I will walk, and I will run and I will finish this race. I will no longer be weak, I will be strong. I will run the marathon in 2010!

The Battle Rages On

So in November I had an annual physical and all the blood tests and consults to Mammogram, Dermatology, Allergy Clinic (something here is still making my eyes and nose run) and a new one - The Lean Healthy Lifestyle Clinic. Yes, being fat is an obvious act that cannot be hidden. In fact, I am teetering on MORBID Obesity according to the BMI guidelines that the hospital follows. More about that later.

So I have had my blood drawn, got my flu shots, had a mammogram (results came Sat, NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER), went to the dermatologist and had 26 skin tags frozen (and am currently awaiting them to disengage from my body) and he also informed me that the keratosis on my skin is from sun damage but not necessarily precancerous. Of course I will continue to use sunscreen.

Last Wednesday I met with Madalene for a physical fitness assessment and to lay out a plan of strength training and cardio. I start this morning. First up, Zumba®, a Latin inspired dance aerobic class, which is sure to kill me (so much for diabetes, hypertension, cancer and stoke)! Seriously, I attended a class up in Schofield back in July and could barely move for 3 days! Now after class, I have an hour of strength training with M. I hesitate to call it weight training, only because I doubt there will be much weight (except my own) involved. So wish me luck! If I can update this afternoon, you will know I am alive!

So back to the Lean Healthy Lifestyle program - my first appointment is Jan 5 and it is 6 hours long. I don't have a lot of information about it, other than I know that it's the same program that they send gastric bypass patients to before they have surgery. NO, I AM NOT HAVING GASTRIC BYPASS! Just want to be clear, I have considered it, and I am sure that I could gain 11 more pounds to qualify for it. But although it SEEMS like a quick and EASY solution, it is not. And it does not address the real issue of all this weight. That is what I need to work on so I can lose it safely and not have it come back. I have been a sad sack for a while and I am quickly understanding my need to no longer wish for this but to actually do something, anything!

When I quit smoking 10 1/2 years ago, it seemed like I quit cold turkey. I just stopped, but the truth is, I tried for 12 years to quit before I finally did. I quit during pregnancy but the minute (okay 6 weeks) I gave birth I started right back up. I used gum, hypnotism, drugs, counseling - with no success. Although the experts say every time you quit, you get closer to quitting for good. So maybe all those attempts were really just part of the success. Regardless, quitting an addiction is difficult and it requires a ton of work and daily vigilance. I still have the occasional day when I think, "Wouldn't it be nice to just have a cigarette with this cup of coffee?" Insanity never goes away!

I have come to a realization that I am addicted to food, it's not my excuse - it's just my awareness that I will battle this the rest of my life and if I am lucky, it will get easier like the smoking. There is so much about this issue that every day I find myself learning more and more about food in my life. Funny, I am Irish and true to the stereotype, I come from a long line of alcoholics (both recovering and still practicing). I grew up in AA and Alateen and Alanon. I have spent my whole life hyper aware of my non drinking and my drinking when I began, how much and why. I have been "waiting" to become an alcoholic myself. Instead, I used food.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and know that I am working hard at this.

charity:water

Aloha!

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you why I support charity:water. I heard about them a year ago when my friend Sarah had asked that in lieu of gifts for her daughter, Audrey's, 2nd birthday, to please donate to this organization. I went to their website, read about their organization and donated on behalf of Audrey. I then followed them on twitter and facebook and discovered an amazing story of some incredible people, who are doing wonderful things to raise money to provide safe access to clean drinking water.

I have done a few things to promote their cause including donating money, re-tweeting their tweets on twitter and re-posting their status updates on facebook. I have also told everyone I know about them. Well that didn't seem like a lot and it really isn't hard to copy and paste. charity:water has made me rethink how I use water in my life. They also helped me to realize that I can do so much more in my life to help others, however seemingly small. So I decided I wanted to do more.

In July began a small campaign at my new house in Hawaii to collect old bottles, cans and other recyclables with deposits that are left around my community and turning it in for cash, in turn pledging that amount to charity:water. I've stopped buying bottled water and now donate the amount I would have spent on it to charity:water. Every day when I wash dishes, clean my clothes, take a shower, brush my teeth, and do anything else involving the use of water - makes me think about how fortunate I am to have safe clean water available to me any time I want it. I have taken it for granted my whole life, just like most Americans. Every bit counts!

I am so grateful and appreciative to be able to live on this beautiful island, in the middle of the Pacific, with all the amenities of any place in the mainland of the US. I am committed to reducing the waste in my life and when I see waste elsewhere I am going to do what I can to make a difference. And the best part is that I can turn that into cash for my charity, charity:water.

Please visit charity:water on their website to learn how you can make a difference. You can follow them on facebook here and on twitter here.

By the way, Audrey will be turning 3 on September 5th and I am will be making a donation on her behalf again - will you join me? Audrey's Birthday Page.

Mahalo!

Has it Really Been Three Months?

Seriously? Oh my, how time flies when one has to move across the country with a kid, grandkid, two dogs, two trucks and God only knows the EXACT weight of our household goods. It's been quite a summer since my last post moving from hot and humid Kentucky to not quite as hot and not quite as humid Hawaii.

I actually ran another 5K shortly after we arrived; the 4th of July Run/Walk on Schofield Barracks, Hawaii. It was hot and the hill was gradual but long. It took me a little longer to finish than the one in May - 49:07. A couple of things affected me besides the heat one of which was that while I was pushing Brian in the stroller, I did not have Rachel with me. She was up ahead running with her dad. I really do think there is something to having a running partner.
We moved into our house at the beginning of July and we have a small gym just a block away. I was pretty consistant in going until the furniture arrived as well as my son, Jimmy on leave at the end of July. I am still mired in the chaos of an unorganized house and still have a bit of unpacking to do.

My eating hasn't been terrible but I know I could do a lot better than I have been. I seem to give into my emotions a lot easier than before, not sure if it's the early stages of menpopause or if I have finally been officially overwhelmed by the circumstances in my life. I have been eating healthier and reduced the snacking; and there was a week where I was weighing in at 228.5 but now I am back to 230lbs. I have my days when I feel resigned to being a large woman and it can depress the shit out of me. I know the things I need to do for myself but find that I give it up too easily for everything else I need to do within my family.

It's almost like I am afraid to change. Which is so ridiculous given that I haven't always been a fat woman and there didn't seem to be a lot of fear in changing from a thin one to my current form. I actually hate that I am fat - I mean I REALLY hate it. I know, I want to focus on being able to run but I find that difficult because it fricking hurts like hell sometimes to do so. So I am always confronted by my weight - no matter how much I try to not be.

A couple of things have happened since May that have really struck a nerve for me. One was reconnecting with an Army friend I hadn't seen since shortly after the birth of my son. She found me on facebook and a few weeks later flew to KY to see me as we were packing out - talk abotu timing...anyhow, she looked exactly the same! I mean she looked EXACTLY the same!!! Blew me away!!! I thought, how come the 21 years hadn't changed her physically the way it has seemingly PUNISHED the crap outta me?!! Of course she looked a little older, but in a GREAT way. It was so wonderful to see her and hug her and realize how much I had missed her.

After she left, I felt such a tremendous sense of failure. How did I let this happen to me?? Where is the person she used to know? I know she was just as happy to see me and I know that even though she noticed how much I had physically changed that she still loves me and has missed me the same. But it's like getting a kick in the gut (is that why they call it a gut check?) and it hurt.

The second thing to occur was my realization that as I have been reconnecting with other people from my past they still look the same! I mean, yes everyone has aged, but they are no worse for wear. They are still of normal weight and they all look great. It has made me start to think about why I have put on all this weight. I am not talking about 20, 30 or even 40 pounds. I am talking over 100lbs at my heaviest (242 in January). That is a hell of a lot of weight! It is the amount of weight that a lot of folks have gained who get gastric bypass. It's the equivelant of another person!

One other thing that happened last night. I spent the evening dancing with our neighbors and my daughter and grandson. Now when I say dance, I am talking DANCE! We shook our booties to the ground! And while I thoroughly enjoyed myself, as I was watching others boogie (showing my age) down I realized once again how ABNORMAL it is for me to be fat. It's not that they are skinny, it's that they are NORMAL weight! Which means they can move easier than I can and they can do th moves that I only do in my head.

So I think I need to revise my strategy. I need to work on my eating habits AND work on my lifestyle habits. I need to find that confidence that I once had. I need to know in my head and my heart that I can do this. I also need to get a trainer! Someone who I can give permission to crack the proverbial whip! I can't do this by myself anymore.