Talking about sleeping...

Well, I guess as long as you don't give up, you're still in the fight right? My life has changed so dramatically since that last post. I have had a hysterectomy, found out we were NOT retiring to North Carolina but instead hubby got promoted and we are moving to Hawaii in June, my daughter and my grandson moved back home, and I find myself a stay-at-home-mom/gram. I have closed up my sewing room to make room for my grandson (no biggie) and adjusted my schedule to accommodate a working daughter and a toddler has been interesting to say the least. Now don't get me wrong, I asked for this and I am so happy they are here.

But once again, I have put me last and as for my weight, it has been a roller coaster to say the least. I started 2009 at 242 lbs. Yes, I GAINED more after that last post - I could blame it on the holidays, the winter months or any number of things; but I won't. The truth of the matter is, I eat when I am stressed and I have been STRESSED OUT! I eat to celebrate and I have had some wonderful things to celebrate. I eat because I love food and it is a self-indulgence on my part. I only have myself to blame.

In March, I decided to get honest about what I have done to my body and take FULL responsibility for my current condition. Not my allergies, ten years of hormonal issues, hell, the babies are almost 20 & 21 now - I quit smoking 9 years and 10 months ago! No, I just eat too much - PERIOD. I eat a good variety of healthy things, but I still eat too much of it. I give in to my cravings like a child and that sort of makes me mad when I think about it. I am not a child, I am a grown woman who has taken care of everyone except myself.

For those of you who know me, know that I have wrestled with a lot of things and all of the time I have ended up in a better place than when I started. I have to say I have rarely experienced anything but ultimate success.

This weight issue is different - I have battled this ever increasing bulge miserably - with no success - I have averaged a yearly overall weight gain of 10lbs since 1999 when I quit smoking. Which means 100 pounds! Not good!

So I went back to SparkPeople and I have been trying a new approach - I just record all the activity I do and the food that I eat and I weight myself once a week (which is really difficult as I have an obsession about this weight). Yesterday I weighed in at 231 lbs. I had given up beef, pork and soda last year and I am working on moderation. I began March walking, increasing my distance and before I left for Florida I had just begun a walk/jog routine. I was averaging 5 miles a day and I was using the old golf course to add some resistance to my workout. I started with a 17 minute mile pace and have whittled it to a 15 minute mile pace. Yes, that is quite a feat given how much I weigh and the short amount of time I have been on this latest wagon.

But I want to run again - like I used to when I was younger. I want to feel strong and be able to rely on my body for the long haul. I have abused it with this obesity and it is not happy with me. I am currently in a catch-22 - I'm fat and obese so it's difficult for me to run because of the extra weight I have to carry (the only plus being I burn more calories than my hubby doing the same distance) and I need to up my cardio so I can burn the fat. I envision a fair amount of discomfort and possible pain.

A few weeks ago I checked out a couple of books on running and training to run distances and I have decided that I will find and compete in a half-marathon by the end of this year. I decided that I needed to take the focus off my weight and put it on running because I would naturally have to lose weight to attain the running goal. I think I have thought SO MUCH about my weight for SO LONG that I need to approach from a different perspective.

Another thing I recently realized was I had never actually confronted the weight issue because I never really thought much about how I looked. For years I have added on this weight and never really saw myself as fat - not until this past summer when I was around 30+ skinny people; most of whom were telling me how they need to lose weight (BARF); if only. A side note - I HATE when people of normal weight call themselves fat; it makes me want to check them into a hospital. Anyhow, I realized how much more I weighed and more importantly, how I looked relative to everyone else. Now some of you may find this strange given I live in a house of normal weighing people - but I honestly didn't see myself as THAT big and when I saw an obese person I would ask if I looked as big and the answer was no. Besides, I am an active person, teaching water aerobics and swimming lessons and I even competed in a swim meet and placed 1st a couple of heats. So even though I knew I was overweight, I thought I was at least healthy. Talk about delusional. Besides, when I hit the 22/24 size for shirts - I could no longer say it was because of my breasts - I am 5'7" tall and that's just too damn BIG! I need to lose weight NOW and I need to be serious about it. Running is my goal and losing weight is one of the keys to achieving it.

One last thing I discovered about myself is that I have been reluctant to talk about my weight with my friends and family and I don't usually post pictures of myself or have them taken for that matter. I have conveniently stayed out of the way. Now I started this blog with the full intention of disclosing my experiences to any and all who cared to read and it's not like I care who reads it - but oh that self-esteem crap gets in the way and I was literally hiding out. Besides, if I actually talked about this then I might actually have to commit to changing it. I haven't been committed. There, I said it. Now I am.

I am posting this blog along with my Sparkpeople to Facebook where my friends and family will see it and they can choose whether or not they read it. It's my way of staying honest about it all. If you want to encourage me, great. If you have any fresh ideas on how I can do anything better, great. I could really use tips on running and breath control. If what you read here helps you, then that's just an added bonus. I am doing this so I am no longer sleepwalking through my life. I hope that if you are struggling like me you realize that I still have hope and that you are not alone. It's a day at a time, sometimes a meal at a time. I hope for your journey as I hope in mine.