Live to Fight Another Day

I have been thinking this past weekend about how I sabotage myself in my weight loss efforts. I do pretty good with the eating and exercising and then I have a day like Saturday. I start the day off with a yogurt, coffee and water. I take TWO bottles of water to the gym for my hour long walk/run and some things occur and I am off track.

First, because my legs are sore I set the time for 45 minutes instead of my usual 60. I run two miles and walk one and do a 5 minute cool down. My rationale is 2 to 1 run/walk ratio and I need to go to the grocery store and then take Rachel (my daughter) to work. Then I go to the grocery store - I am starving but I have my list and I do really well sticking to my list until I see the Easter candy on clearance....so I throw some in the cart. Why? I think I thought why not? It's FAT FREE candy, I'll have some as a reward...this is why I shouldn't go near a grocery store when I am starving!

So I am driving home and starving (am I really starving at 230 pounds?) and I reach in the bag, not for a yogurt or a cheese stick or even a whole wheat tortilla - no I grab the bag of candy and think just a few until I get home. Slippery slope....

I get home and I bring in all the groceries and put them away and I sit down in front of my computer with a water and you guess it...CANDY! I engage in mindless nibbling.....binging?...and the next thing I know, I have eaten half the bag!!!! That's 700 calories of PURE SUGAR!!!!

So I think about this and I post this to my Spark nutrition page and figure hey, I still have 1390 calories left in the day...I will be okay. Within the next hour I finish the bag of candy and another 700 calories are consumed. My mind immediately rationalizes this by thinking I will just do some cardio with the Wii boxing and besides, I still have 690 calories left for dinner (I still haven't had lunch or any real food since the morning).

I take a show and I feel so tired and I think it's because of the Benedryl I took earlier so I lay down for about 30 minutes and I fall into a DEEP sleep (a sugar coma) and Rachel wakes me up so I can take her to work and I feel hungover. I slowly drag myself downstairs and get into the car and take her to work and I realize, I am still starving and haven't eaten lunch. It's almost 4pm by this time and I have to take a movie back to the Redbox and I decide I will take it to the one in front of McDonald's because I can pull in right in front and leave Brian (my grandson) in his car seat while I return it. A good plan for efficiency right? Not good for someone who is starving - because as I pull out from returning the movie I find myself entering the drive through. I decide I will just get a small cheese burger and a happy meal for Brian with Chicken nuggets and apple dippers and milk. No fries, no soda just a cheeseburger...but I am starving and am too irritable at this stage to go home and cook so I rationalize my next choice by telling myself it will be lunch AND dinner. So I order the Quarter Pounder with cheese meal with DIET lemonade...I am trying right???

I eat my meal driving home so fast that before I hit the gate, I only have the lemonade left. We get home, I finish feeding Brian, he only eats two nuggets and some apple slices and he's off to play...see I am not learning to do what Brian instinctively does, eats until he is full. For a second, I think I am bigger than him...until I start to feel like CRAP! Now remember, I haven't eaten red meat for a long time and suddenly I am feeling my stomach turn and feel ill. And then it hits me, GARBAGE IN GARBAGE OUT! and you can guess where I am next.

I feel terrible the rest of the evening, I am irritable, impatient, exhausted and drained. I am counting every minute until I can go to bed. Poor Brian wants to run and play and I am like a dead lump of crap just slogging along and laying around letting him climb on me and I can tell he is getting irritated with me! He has every right - I failed big time on Saturday! Finally it's 9pm and he is ready for bed and so am I! We get ready for bed I hold him and sing to him and then put in down, he rolls over into his comfy position and within minutes is asleep.

Instead of going to bed myself, I go downstairs to watch a movie and wait for Rachel to get home. Around midnight she does and we chat for about a half hour and finally go to bed. I fall asleep instantly because the next thing I know, it's 8:06 am on Sunday and Brian is playing right outside my bedroom door and I realize I have lived to fight another day!

So I have learned a few valuable lessons; first, sugar is NOT my friend! Second, if I eat like my grandson does then maybe this would be a much easier process. And third, I need to find out why I feel "hungry" all the time.

So I eat my breakfast, drink some water and then go to the gym and set the time for 60 minutes and I run 2.5 miles and walk 2 miles and I realize that the hour is my friend and a full 10 minute cool down is my lifesaver! I come home, eat a protein bar, shower, do some laundry and wake up Brian from his nap. We play, eat some lunch and play some more (it's been storming outside since Saturday night) and we just enjoy each other and I don't think about food on Sunday the way I obsessed about it on Saturday. We eat a moderate dinner and I have stayed well below my daily calorie limits. We both go to bed at 9pm last night and I wake up this morning refreshed and ready.

It really is a daily process, sometimes meal by meal. The best thing for me is that I didn't let Saturday turn into a weekend bender or worse, discourage me and get me off track for longer. I will go to the gym in an hour and I will work my walk/run program like I haven't skipped a beat. I have a pretty important goal - I want to run! Oh yeah I almost forgot, yesterday as I was leaving the gym, I saw an advertisement about a 5k Run for the American Red Cross and I grabbed a brchure and have decided I will do it. It's on May 9th and I have 2.5 weeks to get myself up for it. I am not racing for time, I am racing for my own personal best - to complete it.

I have lived to fight for this day.