WOW - 18 months is a long time!

My last post was January 26, 2010 - 18 months ago. Now I know that I have shared what's been going on with my weight loss and weight gain on Facebook and sharing with all sorts of people along the way, but 18 months ago is a long time to not write here. So sorry.

So a recap is in order. Well I lost 62 pounds in 6 months, walked the Great Aloha Run last February. I ran the Army 10 miler last June. I had shoulder surgery 2 weeks later, followed by 5 months of Physical Therapy. I ran the Honolulu Marathon last December, very slowly, but I did finish! I ran the Ford Island Bridge Run this January as well as the Navy Seebee 10K with my husband, Actually he finished about 30 mins ahead of me and waited with a water cup at the finish line for me. I ran the Great Aloha Run this past February with a friend and knocked off an hour off my previous time. And I gained 42 pounds back.

During all of this, my son came home for R&R from Iraq, I flew to the mainland to see my daughter and grandson, the holidays set in upon return and I got complacent. Then I got lazy, then discouraged and ended up almost in the same boat as I was in last year. I even got a little depressed and I just remember having the same thoughts of "I will always be fat so what's the point?"

But a couple of things happened as well that were like lifelines for me. Several of my friends were thanking me for inspiring them to change their lives! WHAT???? ME????? I don't feel very inspiring, but so many shared their experiences of weight loss and healthy lifestyle changes and how they started because of what I had been doing. WOW! I felt honored and ashamed all at the same time. While they were doing all the right things to better health I was putting on the pounds and all but stopped running.

So I decided to revisit some of the things I did last year to help me lose the 62 pounds. I had become a vegetarian so I recommitted myself to eating strictly vegetarian again. I had slipped these past 7-8 months with eating the occasional chicken and turkey, then it was hamburger and steak...next thing I knew I was in the McDs drive thru ordering a Big Mac. The thing is, I know it doesn't taste good, I know it's a terrible waste of calories, very little nutritional value but I did it anyway. I also had stopped measuring and weighing my food. I stopped logging it, I actually tried not to think about it and the more I tried, the more I DID think about it. A non-stop orgy of thoughts some days.

So last month I moved my work area upstairs OUT of the kitchen, I stopped buying fast food and meat and for the past 4 days have been on a juice and strict vegetarian diet, no meat, no dairy, no bread (for now) although I did have a roll and a piece of cake Sunday at the luncheon. But social eating is still such a complex situation...I digress. I am in day 2 of a total juice fast that I plan on lasting 3 days on, a day off to eat vegetables and fruits, then back on a 3 day juice fast.

Why juice? Well last Thursday evening, I watched a documentary called Fat, Sick, and Almost Dead. I started it in my sewing room while I was working and ended up watching, mesmerized! It's Joe Cross' story of how at 310 pounds and suffering from hives and rashes (Uticaria) for 9 years, he decided that enough was enough! He was taking prednisone everyday and still dealing with skin condition and feeling like crap. By the way, in December, the morning after the Marathon, I awoke to not only sore muscles, swollen knees, blisters and black toenails (all common after effects of 26.2 miles) I also awoke to a swollen face with hives starting from my hairline down my neck and up behind and in my ears. I looked like a freak! Not the way one anticipates celebrating the day after a marathon. I went to the doctor who said I might be allergic to the sunscreen I used...blah blah blah....after many more doctor's visits and topical steroids and many Internet and book searches later, I have no concrete answer to what ails me. I just know that since I have been obese I have allergies and eczema now this...well so after watching this movie and discovering how Joe got his health back I have decided to follow a similar path.

Joe is an Australian who lives both in Australia and the United States. He decided to fast on fruit and vegetable juice for 60 days under the care of his physician and he traveled to America to film a documentary about how we eat here. He talked with so many people about what and how they ate, no surprises to discover that fast food, brown food is an ingrained staple of our western diet. And he talked with other obese people about their issues with weight and food and again, no surprises...they knew that they needed to change their eating and lifestyle habits, even knew a lot of what they needed to do, but didn't. I saw myself in those people...having the knowledge and experience and still not doing what I needed to do. Again, not surprising. It's easy to find other things to do to put my health last, to not go for a run, to grab a packaged item that does nothing to satiate my hunger and leaves me feeling like crap. No wonder I have been dealing with some depression, the sugar roller coaster! Again, I digress....

...well as Joe traveled across the country fasting and talking with people, he met a man named Phil at a truck stop in Arizona. Phil was a truck driver who weighed 429 pounds! My first thought was, he weighs 200 pounds more than me and that almost was a convincing argument that I was still manageable....HA! Well Joe and Phil talked about what Phil ate on the road, how he felt physically and Phil revealed that he had the same skin condition as Joe. And they talked about that. Then Joe shared with Phil what he had been doing to take back his life and health and Phil seemed mildly impressed but at the same time he seemed like he might have thought Joe to be a nutcase! So after a few more minutes, Joe and Phil parted ways and the story continued about Joe and his juice fast and his progress and his eventual return to Australia. He had lost 92 lbs on his fast! He began his next phase of eating a vegetarian diet and exercise to get into shape and be healthy. He looked like a completely different man! He looked 10 years younger and he looked happy! Not too surprising...I mean, restrict calories in and expend calories and you will lose weight....right?

Then Joe got a call from Phil 2 months after their brief meeting and Phil reminded Joe that he had offered to help him when he was ready and Phil was calling to say he was ready for Joe's help. A little surprising...but what really got me was that Joe got on a plane back to the US and helped Phil get started. He took him to the doctor's where Phil got a full battery of tests and exams and then he bought him a juicer and truck load of vegetables and fruits and took him to a lakeside cottage and helped Phil get started. He stayed with him the first few nights to help Phil learn how to make his juice and walk with him a step at a time and then he left Phil on his own...and flew back to Australia. Phil stayed out there intending to do a 10 day fast and we get to see Phil go through the struggle of drastically changing not only his eating habits but his thinking habits....Phil was severely depressed....then Phil decided he was going for it! Long story short, Phil lost over 200 lbs! IN EIGHT MONTHS! And he changed his life! He no longer works as a truck driver, he works in a health fitness club and he shares his experiences with everyone he meets, including his brother, who had a heart attack while Phil was on his journey!

Funny thing is, after seeing this and being not only inspired but DRIVEN to action, I have read many supportive comments about the film and yet, some not so nice things about overweight people. There is a very mean spirit out there about obesity. I don't blame anyone but myself for my weight and health. Sure genetics probably play a role in the way my body works, but I alone control what I put in my mouth and how much I move. With that said, I don't believe I have ever wanted to be fat! I don't believe I set about a path of self-destruction on purpose. Sure, many factors played a role, fast food convenience, a stressful job, single parenting, a sick parent, hormones, the list goes on endlessly...it's called life. And while I feel over all that I cope well with life, I probably have used food to numb out just like someone getting drunk over a breakup or whatever else we do to deny the current situation...but the goal isn't about making excuses or defending how I got this way...the goal is to help those out there who do struggle with food, whether they are overweight or underweight....and to be an example of one who is still in it!

I still refuse to have surgery, although I have thought about way more these past few months than ever before...I refuse to take diet pills and powders and eat "diet" foods, all of which are processed. And then I thought, not if Phil can do this, I can - but I've done this before....I have lost 62 pounds in 6 months before...the marathon is 20 weeks away, I weighed 230 on Saturday...I can do it again! So that's what I am doing....

Two Weeks, Two Pounds

I have to say I am feeling discouraged and a bit angry that in the past two weeks I have only lost two pounds. I have been working my butt off and although I am not at “athlete” status, I am working hard. Cardio, strength training…I have increased my daily workouts from 3 to 6 a week. I am doing relatively well on the tracking food, only exceeding my daily calorie intake one day. I was hungry!

I have been working with Madalene for 5 weeks and over that time I have lost 10lbs. so that DOES equate to 2lbs a week, it’s just that I lost 6 of it 3 weeks ago! I know this is a slow and deliberate process but can’t a girl expect at least 1 pound to go away each week while doing all of this? Is that so unreasonable?

I must note that these two weeks have also been the first two weeks of the kids being back in the house after holiday vacation. I am sure that snacking it up with a two year old isn’t helping, but I did track what I ate. It also doesn’t help that some in my family are thin and eat whatever they want, whenever they want. It frustrates the hell out of me. It’s not like EVERYTHING I eat is low fat, sugar substitute….I am trying to eat in moderation. Yes, I know I am a grown woman and should not cave to such peer pressure…but I wonder if the stress of it is causing the weight plateau?

I have read how the body temporarily gains weight in the beginning of a weight training program, most due to the tearing of muscles and the body’s use of fluid to protect the muscles and that I need to be patient…but come on…just one pound.

The Lean and Healthy Lifestyle

Yesterday was a long day, sitting in a chair with other mostly obese people listening for the umpteenth time about exercise, nutrition and balance. I went there for help to control my eating. I left there exhausted, mentally drained and realizing that no matter where I go and what I do to reach out, the bottom line is that I must be able to solve this myself. There is no diet or drug or surgery that will fix my obesity. It was funny that after all the reading and trying and failing on so many diets; it all comes back to that damn food pyramid we learned about in 4th grade health class; food groups and moderation. Surprise, surprise!

I discovered that I am no longer 5 foot 7 inches; I am actually 5 foot 5 ½ inches. What this means is at 232 pounds, my BMI (Body Mass Index) is not 36. 3 but 38. I didn’t particularly like finding this out, especially since I have lost 6 pounds. But hey, I shake it off after a moody evening yesterday. I really must keep it all in perspective.

Bottom line is that this is going to be a long road of small changes and delayed rewards. I wonder how much of my weight problem has to do with my selfishness in seeking immediate gratification? It was discussed broadly and it really has made me think about how often I do what I want to do when I want to do it, whether it’s purchasing something or eating or wasting my time. I used to consider things before I took action unless I truly believed that action was necessary immediately. Now, I think I operate on a more emotional and needy level. Sort of like a child. Does this come from all the upheaval of the last few years? It only matters that I stop behaving this way.

I have to get to a place where I can trust that I really do not need that bag of cookies or Doritos or the pint of ice cream. I have to learn to eat for sustainment and fuel rather than to shove my feeling down my throat followed by a fat laden gulp of guilt! I do not like how this has changed who I am and I am not the person inside that everyone sees on the outside.

I am posting a couple of pictures of me, the first one was when I was 19 and had just finished basic training and advanced medic training at Fort Sam Houston, Texas. I am posting it to show you how I have seen myself for all this time. For those of you who know me, you know I haven’t looked that way for years.

This second one is from last May in my house in Kentucky. I wasn’t brave enough to post it then, not because I thought you didn’t know. It was because I didn’t recognize this person. Believe it or not, it was really the first time I actually saw how big I was and I have been damn angry since then!

Yes, I am morbidly obese and I am tired and cranky and fed up and I am scared. I am scared to die this way without having taken the opportunity to change it. I am tired of carrying the extra 87 pounds. I am tired of hoping that a shirt will cover my stomach or a pair of shorts will button at the waist. I am tired of my feet hurting because I am so heavy.

I have taken some great positive actions. I have hired a trainer to help me reach my fitness goals, I have committed to Zumba classes, and I have entered this Lean Healthy Lifestyle program and have committed this year to using all of these tools to get to my goal.

There’s no miracle drug or surgery for me. No special diet or quick fix. Estimating a 2 pound weight loss per week, and I am looking at a minimum of 10 months and I am committed to it. I want to live a long healthy life. I want to see my grandson grow up. I want to see my children fall in love and get married and have more grandchildren.
I want to see them realize their dreams and since it’s my job to be an example, I need to realize mine.

So today is January 6th and I have a group class at the hospital this morning and a strength training session with Madalene afterwards. It’s really just going to be one foot in front of the other for however long it is going to take.

Has it Really Been Three Months?

Seriously? Oh my, how time flies when one has to move across the country with a kid, grandkid, two dogs, two trucks and God only knows the EXACT weight of our household goods. It's been quite a summer since my last post moving from hot and humid Kentucky to not quite as hot and not quite as humid Hawaii.

I actually ran another 5K shortly after we arrived; the 4th of July Run/Walk on Schofield Barracks, Hawaii. It was hot and the hill was gradual but long. It took me a little longer to finish than the one in May - 49:07. A couple of things affected me besides the heat one of which was that while I was pushing Brian in the stroller, I did not have Rachel with me. She was up ahead running with her dad. I really do think there is something to having a running partner.
We moved into our house at the beginning of July and we have a small gym just a block away. I was pretty consistant in going until the furniture arrived as well as my son, Jimmy on leave at the end of July. I am still mired in the chaos of an unorganized house and still have a bit of unpacking to do.

My eating hasn't been terrible but I know I could do a lot better than I have been. I seem to give into my emotions a lot easier than before, not sure if it's the early stages of menpopause or if I have finally been officially overwhelmed by the circumstances in my life. I have been eating healthier and reduced the snacking; and there was a week where I was weighing in at 228.5 but now I am back to 230lbs. I have my days when I feel resigned to being a large woman and it can depress the shit out of me. I know the things I need to do for myself but find that I give it up too easily for everything else I need to do within my family.

It's almost like I am afraid to change. Which is so ridiculous given that I haven't always been a fat woman and there didn't seem to be a lot of fear in changing from a thin one to my current form. I actually hate that I am fat - I mean I REALLY hate it. I know, I want to focus on being able to run but I find that difficult because it fricking hurts like hell sometimes to do so. So I am always confronted by my weight - no matter how much I try to not be.

A couple of things have happened since May that have really struck a nerve for me. One was reconnecting with an Army friend I hadn't seen since shortly after the birth of my son. She found me on facebook and a few weeks later flew to KY to see me as we were packing out - talk abotu timing...anyhow, she looked exactly the same! I mean she looked EXACTLY the same!!! Blew me away!!! I thought, how come the 21 years hadn't changed her physically the way it has seemingly PUNISHED the crap outta me?!! Of course she looked a little older, but in a GREAT way. It was so wonderful to see her and hug her and realize how much I had missed her.

After she left, I felt such a tremendous sense of failure. How did I let this happen to me?? Where is the person she used to know? I know she was just as happy to see me and I know that even though she noticed how much I had physically changed that she still loves me and has missed me the same. But it's like getting a kick in the gut (is that why they call it a gut check?) and it hurt.

The second thing to occur was my realization that as I have been reconnecting with other people from my past they still look the same! I mean, yes everyone has aged, but they are no worse for wear. They are still of normal weight and they all look great. It has made me start to think about why I have put on all this weight. I am not talking about 20, 30 or even 40 pounds. I am talking over 100lbs at my heaviest (242 in January). That is a hell of a lot of weight! It is the amount of weight that a lot of folks have gained who get gastric bypass. It's the equivelant of another person!

One other thing that happened last night. I spent the evening dancing with our neighbors and my daughter and grandson. Now when I say dance, I am talking DANCE! We shook our booties to the ground! And while I thoroughly enjoyed myself, as I was watching others boogie (showing my age) down I realized once again how ABNORMAL it is for me to be fat. It's not that they are skinny, it's that they are NORMAL weight! Which means they can move easier than I can and they can do th moves that I only do in my head.

So I think I need to revise my strategy. I need to work on my eating habits AND work on my lifestyle habits. I need to find that confidence that I once had. I need to know in my head and my heart that I can do this. I also need to get a trainer! Someone who I can give permission to crack the proverbial whip! I can't do this by myself anymore.

Live to Fight Another Day

I have been thinking this past weekend about how I sabotage myself in my weight loss efforts. I do pretty good with the eating and exercising and then I have a day like Saturday. I start the day off with a yogurt, coffee and water. I take TWO bottles of water to the gym for my hour long walk/run and some things occur and I am off track.

First, because my legs are sore I set the time for 45 minutes instead of my usual 60. I run two miles and walk one and do a 5 minute cool down. My rationale is 2 to 1 run/walk ratio and I need to go to the grocery store and then take Rachel (my daughter) to work. Then I go to the grocery store - I am starving but I have my list and I do really well sticking to my list until I see the Easter candy on clearance....so I throw some in the cart. Why? I think I thought why not? It's FAT FREE candy, I'll have some as a reward...this is why I shouldn't go near a grocery store when I am starving!

So I am driving home and starving (am I really starving at 230 pounds?) and I reach in the bag, not for a yogurt or a cheese stick or even a whole wheat tortilla - no I grab the bag of candy and think just a few until I get home. Slippery slope....

I get home and I bring in all the groceries and put them away and I sit down in front of my computer with a water and you guess it...CANDY! I engage in mindless nibbling.....binging?...and the next thing I know, I have eaten half the bag!!!! That's 700 calories of PURE SUGAR!!!!

So I think about this and I post this to my Spark nutrition page and figure hey, I still have 1390 calories left in the day...I will be okay. Within the next hour I finish the bag of candy and another 700 calories are consumed. My mind immediately rationalizes this by thinking I will just do some cardio with the Wii boxing and besides, I still have 690 calories left for dinner (I still haven't had lunch or any real food since the morning).

I take a show and I feel so tired and I think it's because of the Benedryl I took earlier so I lay down for about 30 minutes and I fall into a DEEP sleep (a sugar coma) and Rachel wakes me up so I can take her to work and I feel hungover. I slowly drag myself downstairs and get into the car and take her to work and I realize, I am still starving and haven't eaten lunch. It's almost 4pm by this time and I have to take a movie back to the Redbox and I decide I will take it to the one in front of McDonald's because I can pull in right in front and leave Brian (my grandson) in his car seat while I return it. A good plan for efficiency right? Not good for someone who is starving - because as I pull out from returning the movie I find myself entering the drive through. I decide I will just get a small cheese burger and a happy meal for Brian with Chicken nuggets and apple dippers and milk. No fries, no soda just a cheeseburger...but I am starving and am too irritable at this stage to go home and cook so I rationalize my next choice by telling myself it will be lunch AND dinner. So I order the Quarter Pounder with cheese meal with DIET lemonade...I am trying right???

I eat my meal driving home so fast that before I hit the gate, I only have the lemonade left. We get home, I finish feeding Brian, he only eats two nuggets and some apple slices and he's off to play...see I am not learning to do what Brian instinctively does, eats until he is full. For a second, I think I am bigger than him...until I start to feel like CRAP! Now remember, I haven't eaten red meat for a long time and suddenly I am feeling my stomach turn and feel ill. And then it hits me, GARBAGE IN GARBAGE OUT! and you can guess where I am next.

I feel terrible the rest of the evening, I am irritable, impatient, exhausted and drained. I am counting every minute until I can go to bed. Poor Brian wants to run and play and I am like a dead lump of crap just slogging along and laying around letting him climb on me and I can tell he is getting irritated with me! He has every right - I failed big time on Saturday! Finally it's 9pm and he is ready for bed and so am I! We get ready for bed I hold him and sing to him and then put in down, he rolls over into his comfy position and within minutes is asleep.

Instead of going to bed myself, I go downstairs to watch a movie and wait for Rachel to get home. Around midnight she does and we chat for about a half hour and finally go to bed. I fall asleep instantly because the next thing I know, it's 8:06 am on Sunday and Brian is playing right outside my bedroom door and I realize I have lived to fight another day!

So I have learned a few valuable lessons; first, sugar is NOT my friend! Second, if I eat like my grandson does then maybe this would be a much easier process. And third, I need to find out why I feel "hungry" all the time.

So I eat my breakfast, drink some water and then go to the gym and set the time for 60 minutes and I run 2.5 miles and walk 2 miles and I realize that the hour is my friend and a full 10 minute cool down is my lifesaver! I come home, eat a protein bar, shower, do some laundry and wake up Brian from his nap. We play, eat some lunch and play some more (it's been storming outside since Saturday night) and we just enjoy each other and I don't think about food on Sunday the way I obsessed about it on Saturday. We eat a moderate dinner and I have stayed well below my daily calorie limits. We both go to bed at 9pm last night and I wake up this morning refreshed and ready.

It really is a daily process, sometimes meal by meal. The best thing for me is that I didn't let Saturday turn into a weekend bender or worse, discourage me and get me off track for longer. I will go to the gym in an hour and I will work my walk/run program like I haven't skipped a beat. I have a pretty important goal - I want to run! Oh yeah I almost forgot, yesterday as I was leaving the gym, I saw an advertisement about a 5k Run for the American Red Cross and I grabbed a brchure and have decided I will do it. It's on May 9th and I have 2.5 weeks to get myself up for it. I am not racing for time, I am racing for my own personal best - to complete it.

I have lived to fight for this day.