I Get It.

Interesting that this was on my welcome screen this morning after posting last night. I get this! I really do - it's exactly how I have been feeling about this whole experience. That I was just going to fail anyway. The disaster. I realize that for many of the last ten years, I convinced myself that it was okay to be overweight, my calling wasn't about my looks and therefore, it didn't matter. I had bought into the media hype about weight and looks. How superficial is that. Then I think I began to accept my failure and decided I would try to live with it - except the failure was getting larger, literally.

I remember a few years ago shortly after my dad passed away and I went on a cruise to Mexico with some friends. I weighed 197 at the end of that cruise and was surprised that I had lost weight during it. Below is a picture of me during that cruise. I hadn't been below 200 for almost 7 years before and haven't been that since.

Now I thought hey, I look pretty okay and this might be the best it's going to be for me. I can live with that. Well, 4 years and 45lbs later - I cannot live with it. Stress really does have a lot to do with your physical well-being and I certainly was stressed during this time - I had lost my dad, my kids were in that wonderful stage of life called TEENS and I went back to work without anytime to grieve. I don't recommend it. That smile you see, was probably the only smile I had for the next few months, maybe the whole next year. I was sad and tired and I wanted to be anywhere but where my life was. Now I am sure that my attitude contributed to the weight gain and I am certain that I had no motivation back then.

But now I do - I care and I am motivated and for the first time in a very long time I am positive that I can do this. Not because I am faking it til I make it - because I finally want it bad enough. Sure getting below 200 would be a wonderful success - but it's not enough - I need to be fit and healthy and I want to live an active life with my husband and children and grandson. I do not really know what that magic number will be but I am convinced that when I feel good about myself and when I have the energy to spend the entire day with my family actively and when I no longer have that weighty feeling I have been carrying around I will know.

This morning I ran a whole mile without stopping. It felt so wonderful to do it. I have been doing a 90 minute walk/jog thing where I alternate walking a certain distance and jogging the same distance. I have been averaging a 15:30 mile and doing so for about 3 weeks. I also have been hiking and doing some track work with Brian on my back or in the jogging stroller. My goal has been to increase my endurance and work on my breathing. My endurance has actually been increasing steadily and I have had little issue with going further.

My breathing is another matter. Ever since we moved here to Kentucky, I have been experiencing the hellish side effects of full-blown allergies. I used to think it was an overstated issue but now that I have experienced the stopped up nose, watery and itchy eyes and the hives I apologize to any and all who I might have made light of their problem before. It is terrible to live this way. The glorious part of it all is the medication; makes you sluggish and sleepy. But it's not an excuse. I have to figure it out and I have been working on timing my workouts and my medication so that I can exercise through the sleepiness and breath through the exercise.

Except for some hot days, it's working out okay. Today it's rainy and cold so I felt okay, until that adrenaline kicked in from jogging and my nose started running just as fast. Have you ever had to blow your nose while jogging? It's not easy. So I find that I breath in and out of my mouth. Which is not necessarily bad, but if I don't control it, I start to hyperventilate and that's where I get into some trouble. It's all a process.

Hanging in there.