The Battle Rages On

So in November I had an annual physical and all the blood tests and consults to Mammogram, Dermatology, Allergy Clinic (something here is still making my eyes and nose run) and a new one - The Lean Healthy Lifestyle Clinic. Yes, being fat is an obvious act that cannot be hidden. In fact, I am teetering on MORBID Obesity according to the BMI guidelines that the hospital follows. More about that later.

So I have had my blood drawn, got my flu shots, had a mammogram (results came Sat, NO EVIDENCE OF CANCER), went to the dermatologist and had 26 skin tags frozen (and am currently awaiting them to disengage from my body) and he also informed me that the keratosis on my skin is from sun damage but not necessarily precancerous. Of course I will continue to use sunscreen.

Last Wednesday I met with Madalene for a physical fitness assessment and to lay out a plan of strength training and cardio. I start this morning. First up, Zumba®, a Latin inspired dance aerobic class, which is sure to kill me (so much for diabetes, hypertension, cancer and stoke)! Seriously, I attended a class up in Schofield back in July and could barely move for 3 days! Now after class, I have an hour of strength training with M. I hesitate to call it weight training, only because I doubt there will be much weight (except my own) involved. So wish me luck! If I can update this afternoon, you will know I am alive!

So back to the Lean Healthy Lifestyle program - my first appointment is Jan 5 and it is 6 hours long. I don't have a lot of information about it, other than I know that it's the same program that they send gastric bypass patients to before they have surgery. NO, I AM NOT HAVING GASTRIC BYPASS! Just want to be clear, I have considered it, and I am sure that I could gain 11 more pounds to qualify for it. But although it SEEMS like a quick and EASY solution, it is not. And it does not address the real issue of all this weight. That is what I need to work on so I can lose it safely and not have it come back. I have been a sad sack for a while and I am quickly understanding my need to no longer wish for this but to actually do something, anything!

When I quit smoking 10 1/2 years ago, it seemed like I quit cold turkey. I just stopped, but the truth is, I tried for 12 years to quit before I finally did. I quit during pregnancy but the minute (okay 6 weeks) I gave birth I started right back up. I used gum, hypnotism, drugs, counseling - with no success. Although the experts say every time you quit, you get closer to quitting for good. So maybe all those attempts were really just part of the success. Regardless, quitting an addiction is difficult and it requires a ton of work and daily vigilance. I still have the occasional day when I think, "Wouldn't it be nice to just have a cigarette with this cup of coffee?" Insanity never goes away!

I have come to a realization that I am addicted to food, it's not my excuse - it's just my awareness that I will battle this the rest of my life and if I am lucky, it will get easier like the smoking. There is so much about this issue that every day I find myself learning more and more about food in my life. Funny, I am Irish and true to the stereotype, I come from a long line of alcoholics (both recovering and still practicing). I grew up in AA and Alateen and Alanon. I have spent my whole life hyper aware of my non drinking and my drinking when I began, how much and why. I have been "waiting" to become an alcoholic myself. Instead, I used food.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and know that I am working hard at this.

charity:water

Aloha!

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you why I support charity:water. I heard about them a year ago when my friend Sarah had asked that in lieu of gifts for her daughter, Audrey's, 2nd birthday, to please donate to this organization. I went to their website, read about their organization and donated on behalf of Audrey. I then followed them on twitter and facebook and discovered an amazing story of some incredible people, who are doing wonderful things to raise money to provide safe access to clean drinking water.

I have done a few things to promote their cause including donating money, re-tweeting their tweets on twitter and re-posting their status updates on facebook. I have also told everyone I know about them. Well that didn't seem like a lot and it really isn't hard to copy and paste. charity:water has made me rethink how I use water in my life. They also helped me to realize that I can do so much more in my life to help others, however seemingly small. So I decided I wanted to do more.

In July began a small campaign at my new house in Hawaii to collect old bottles, cans and other recyclables with deposits that are left around my community and turning it in for cash, in turn pledging that amount to charity:water. I've stopped buying bottled water and now donate the amount I would have spent on it to charity:water. Every day when I wash dishes, clean my clothes, take a shower, brush my teeth, and do anything else involving the use of water - makes me think about how fortunate I am to have safe clean water available to me any time I want it. I have taken it for granted my whole life, just like most Americans. Every bit counts!

I am so grateful and appreciative to be able to live on this beautiful island, in the middle of the Pacific, with all the amenities of any place in the mainland of the US. I am committed to reducing the waste in my life and when I see waste elsewhere I am going to do what I can to make a difference. And the best part is that I can turn that into cash for my charity, charity:water.

Please visit charity:water on their website to learn how you can make a difference. You can follow them on facebook here and on twitter here.

By the way, Audrey will be turning 3 on September 5th and I am will be making a donation on her behalf again - will you join me? Audrey's Birthday Page.

Mahalo!

Has it Really Been Three Months?

Seriously? Oh my, how time flies when one has to move across the country with a kid, grandkid, two dogs, two trucks and God only knows the EXACT weight of our household goods. It's been quite a summer since my last post moving from hot and humid Kentucky to not quite as hot and not quite as humid Hawaii.

I actually ran another 5K shortly after we arrived; the 4th of July Run/Walk on Schofield Barracks, Hawaii. It was hot and the hill was gradual but long. It took me a little longer to finish than the one in May - 49:07. A couple of things affected me besides the heat one of which was that while I was pushing Brian in the stroller, I did not have Rachel with me. She was up ahead running with her dad. I really do think there is something to having a running partner.
We moved into our house at the beginning of July and we have a small gym just a block away. I was pretty consistant in going until the furniture arrived as well as my son, Jimmy on leave at the end of July. I am still mired in the chaos of an unorganized house and still have a bit of unpacking to do.

My eating hasn't been terrible but I know I could do a lot better than I have been. I seem to give into my emotions a lot easier than before, not sure if it's the early stages of menpopause or if I have finally been officially overwhelmed by the circumstances in my life. I have been eating healthier and reduced the snacking; and there was a week where I was weighing in at 228.5 but now I am back to 230lbs. I have my days when I feel resigned to being a large woman and it can depress the shit out of me. I know the things I need to do for myself but find that I give it up too easily for everything else I need to do within my family.

It's almost like I am afraid to change. Which is so ridiculous given that I haven't always been a fat woman and there didn't seem to be a lot of fear in changing from a thin one to my current form. I actually hate that I am fat - I mean I REALLY hate it. I know, I want to focus on being able to run but I find that difficult because it fricking hurts like hell sometimes to do so. So I am always confronted by my weight - no matter how much I try to not be.

A couple of things have happened since May that have really struck a nerve for me. One was reconnecting with an Army friend I hadn't seen since shortly after the birth of my son. She found me on facebook and a few weeks later flew to KY to see me as we were packing out - talk abotu timing...anyhow, she looked exactly the same! I mean she looked EXACTLY the same!!! Blew me away!!! I thought, how come the 21 years hadn't changed her physically the way it has seemingly PUNISHED the crap outta me?!! Of course she looked a little older, but in a GREAT way. It was so wonderful to see her and hug her and realize how much I had missed her.

After she left, I felt such a tremendous sense of failure. How did I let this happen to me?? Where is the person she used to know? I know she was just as happy to see me and I know that even though she noticed how much I had physically changed that she still loves me and has missed me the same. But it's like getting a kick in the gut (is that why they call it a gut check?) and it hurt.

The second thing to occur was my realization that as I have been reconnecting with other people from my past they still look the same! I mean, yes everyone has aged, but they are no worse for wear. They are still of normal weight and they all look great. It has made me start to think about why I have put on all this weight. I am not talking about 20, 30 or even 40 pounds. I am talking over 100lbs at my heaviest (242 in January). That is a hell of a lot of weight! It is the amount of weight that a lot of folks have gained who get gastric bypass. It's the equivelant of another person!

One other thing that happened last night. I spent the evening dancing with our neighbors and my daughter and grandson. Now when I say dance, I am talking DANCE! We shook our booties to the ground! And while I thoroughly enjoyed myself, as I was watching others boogie (showing my age) down I realized once again how ABNORMAL it is for me to be fat. It's not that they are skinny, it's that they are NORMAL weight! Which means they can move easier than I can and they can do th moves that I only do in my head.

So I think I need to revise my strategy. I need to work on my eating habits AND work on my lifestyle habits. I need to find that confidence that I once had. I need to know in my head and my heart that I can do this. I also need to get a trainer! Someone who I can give permission to crack the proverbial whip! I can't do this by myself anymore.

Just Did It

Today was gorgeous! I was on my way to the gym out of habit, and I was passing the track and decided why not? I pulled in and parked and thought, I will do what I can. This track is 1/2 mile so I thought, just do 6 laps - don't think about how far you will run and how far you will walk. Just do it. So I did. I took my iPhone (I carry my phone when outside just in case something happens) which has my music loaded. I had my ID card and my truck key in a small pocket in my shorts, drank some water and away I went. What a gorgeous day - 68 degrees, clear skies, and a gentle breeze blowing, so not the typical day of the last few months here. I felt good and was only slightly worried about my allergies because it's a huge problem in Kentucky.

There was a woman pushing a baby stroller, a couple of men walking on their lunch break, and another couple walking but I felt like I had the place to myself. I walked for a few minutes and then started to jog. Listening to my new Keith Urban cd and just cruising. I didn't run fast, just a nice jog and I thought I will jog as far as I can, check my heart rate and walk until I feel like jogging again. And that's exactly what I did. I was fascinated by watching the birds fly in and out of the fields and for the most part kept a good form with my shoulders relaxed and my butt tucked under my hips and looking forward and not down.

Well, mostly, I notice that when I go from a walk to jogging, I start out with my shoulders shrugged up and I tend to lean forward, like I am going to sprint. But within a few seconds, I realize what is happening and I focus on getting the different parts aligned. I feel so much better when I have good form and I credit it for helping me stay injury free. I have a relatively high tolerance for all types of pain, but when it has come to running before, I used to call the soreness I was feeling pain so I would have an excuse not to do it anymore. I am very aware of the fact that running is creating a great deal of stress on my body, I weigh 230 lbs and that's a lot of force to be putting on these hips, knees and ankles. So I run slowly and I work on my form and I run for as long as I think I can, then I run a little more. Sure, I feel sore when I am running sometimes, but nothing long lasting and I am learning the difference between soreness and real pain.

Now, I am out there running and I start to think about how self-conscious I was just a few months ago and how it kept me from even trying to run. I used to wear long pants and baggy shirts, sometimes with a jacket wrapped around my waist and I would only walk. I would put my headphones and sunglasses on and pretend I was invisible, quite a trick for a large woman. But I would not run, I wouldn't even try! Same in the gym, I just couldn't get over the fact that everyone was staring at me and imagining what they could be thinking. Boy it was nice to run in shorts and not care what anyone thought, including the two guys I passed on the course. Sure, they were walking, but I wondered if they felt just a bit guilty seeing the fat girl run and they weren't. Yes, I have those thoughts! I am competitive.

A few weeks ago, my daughter purchased a sports bra for me. She had been watching my frustration trying on all these "sports bras" only to discover none fit! So she researched online and found a place and ordered it. Coincidentally, the first day I wore it was May 6, the same day I ran 2 miles without stopping. I call it my miracle bra. If you have never experienced the wondrous feeling of having your breasts bouncing so hard it takes the wind out of you, you cannot appreciate the beauty of a perfect fitting bra! It's a Glamorise Sport Max Bra. I had been contemplating using ace bandages to bind them puppies up! It is painful, I sometimes would look for bruising! On the same topic, I started thinking about how I am so glad I bought these compression shorts by Under Armour because they really help with the jiggling of my stomach. It's amazing how I can wrap it all up and feel like a different person, is that why our mothers and grandmothers wore girdles? I am kidding of course, but as for running, the answer is in keeping things compact, or at least immobile.

So I finished my 6 laps (3 miles) and it took me 41:24, same time as I did on the treadmill on Saturday, so that's progress! I expect to be slower outside because the treadmill gives you forward momentum and has a softer surface than asphalt. Another thing I noticed was that my heart rate never got past 168bpm and my one minute recovery heart rate is getting better as well. And in spite of my dry throat from allergies, my breathing was pretty even. I felt better running and I actually enjoyed it. I drank a whole bottle of water and headed home.

I am so glad I did it.

One Saturday in May

On Saturday, May 9, 2009 I, along with my daughter and grandson, completed the 5K Walk/Run race for the American Red Cross. I know it’s been almost a week since then, but I have had a few computer issues (long story) but I am posting now. Now I first need to thank Lori Price for all the wonderful photographs she took of my family and I at the start and at the end of the race. She is a long time friend whose twins were running the same race.
In the pictures you will notice that we are smiling in all of them. Now we are not faking them, as my daughter, Rachel and I were indeed smiling the entire race. We were laughing and joking and encouraging each other all the way. We got up early that morning to make sure we ate a healthy breakfast and had some time for digestion and for drinking plenty of water before going down to the Red Cross station here on Fort Knox.We signed in and put our numbers on and I felt all sorts of butterflies in my stomach. I kept reminding myself that I was racing myself with the following objectives; to finish the race, to run as much as I could of it, and to not let anyone I passed pass me. But I guess because it was a race, the competitive nature in me started sizing up my “competition” and I use this term LOOSELY. The only thing I had on them was indeed my size. There were people of all ages, sizes and abilities and it was incredible to see how many kids were participating. Brian of course was riding this race, but I envision him running with me one day. So I tried to focus on being calm and relaxed. Rachel and I met up with Lori and her family and we caught up for a few having not seen each other in over 6 years. She even brought pictures of my son with her twins when the twins were 7 and my son was 13. It was nice to see her family grown and I think she loved seeing Rachel and meeting Brian.


Me, Rachel and Brian waiting for the start of the race.

Well, the race began and the runners started first and then all of us followed. Rachel and I used the first quarter mile to snake our way through the pack, all the way pushing the stroller with Brian in it. Then we started to jog. It was humid and hot and only 8:30 in the morning! My legs initially felt like two heavy logs but soon I started to get into a groove. Rachel and I jogged then power-walked for about the first mile and we made short-term goals, such as we’ll run until the turn, we’ll start running when we crest this hill, we’ll start walking once we pass the lady in the red shirt, etc. We laughed the entire course!


Shortly after the start, snaking our way through the pack.


The home stretch - thank goodness for the stroller for holding me up!


Yes, we laughed the whole way!!!

The course was hilly but all on asphalt. I have only run on that surface a handful of times. The weather during spring in Kentucky is very wet so I do a lot of my running on a treadmill at the gym. So I was feeling pretty good about being able to run this race. As we turned the corner to the finish line, there were soldiers who had run the race in formation lined up on either side of the finish line and they were cheering everyone on! We began the race at 1min 7secs and completed it at 43:07, with a time of 42 minutes flat! What a great way to finish!

Our finish line reception - those soldiers were cheering really loud! I felt like a million!

After the race with Josh and Micheal. Brian was wondering when he was getting outta there!

I have to say, I am proud of myself for doing it and I am glad that I am running again. Even though I still have a long way to go to reach my goals, I feel so motivated with accomplishment. I am really beginning to see the fruits of my labor and while the weight is coming off slowly, I am getting stronger every day.

I Am Only One

Something About Forty Something

This is my dad Jim and my little sister April and this photo was taken sometime in 1974. My dad was 42. He had quit smoking and taken up jogging. My brother Tony and I would try to get up early to go with him but most of the time, I fell behind because I couldn't keep up. My dad was pretty fast and my brother would run with all his might to keep up, I guess he was far more determined than I to finish. We were only 9 and 10 and I remember the feeling of failure to keep pace. Of course now I realize we were just little kids and even though my brother finished he would be wiped out and exhausted. I would usually make it about half way and walk the rest of the way home.

But what I remember most about his running in the morning was how he would sit on the driveway afterwards with his newspaper and coffee and wait with my sister for her bus. I think it was one the highlights of his day. One thing my father did pretty well was to live in the moment and enjoy it for what it was.

I am 44 now and I am a grandmother. That's my little grandboy Brian on my back and I really enjoy being with him whenever and wherever we are. He and his mommy, my daughter Rachel moved back home in December last year and I feel so fortunate to have him with me each day.

I run now and even though I am still slow, I finish and I relish that I can do it now. I think of my father quite a bit on my runs and I wish he were here to run with me. It would be nice to share the road with him and in some ways, I still get to.

Permanently

Live to Fight Another Day

I have been thinking this past weekend about how I sabotage myself in my weight loss efforts. I do pretty good with the eating and exercising and then I have a day like Saturday. I start the day off with a yogurt, coffee and water. I take TWO bottles of water to the gym for my hour long walk/run and some things occur and I am off track.

First, because my legs are sore I set the time for 45 minutes instead of my usual 60. I run two miles and walk one and do a 5 minute cool down. My rationale is 2 to 1 run/walk ratio and I need to go to the grocery store and then take Rachel (my daughter) to work. Then I go to the grocery store - I am starving but I have my list and I do really well sticking to my list until I see the Easter candy on clearance....so I throw some in the cart. Why? I think I thought why not? It's FAT FREE candy, I'll have some as a reward...this is why I shouldn't go near a grocery store when I am starving!

So I am driving home and starving (am I really starving at 230 pounds?) and I reach in the bag, not for a yogurt or a cheese stick or even a whole wheat tortilla - no I grab the bag of candy and think just a few until I get home. Slippery slope....

I get home and I bring in all the groceries and put them away and I sit down in front of my computer with a water and you guess it...CANDY! I engage in mindless nibbling.....binging?...and the next thing I know, I have eaten half the bag!!!! That's 700 calories of PURE SUGAR!!!!

So I think about this and I post this to my Spark nutrition page and figure hey, I still have 1390 calories left in the day...I will be okay. Within the next hour I finish the bag of candy and another 700 calories are consumed. My mind immediately rationalizes this by thinking I will just do some cardio with the Wii boxing and besides, I still have 690 calories left for dinner (I still haven't had lunch or any real food since the morning).

I take a show and I feel so tired and I think it's because of the Benedryl I took earlier so I lay down for about 30 minutes and I fall into a DEEP sleep (a sugar coma) and Rachel wakes me up so I can take her to work and I feel hungover. I slowly drag myself downstairs and get into the car and take her to work and I realize, I am still starving and haven't eaten lunch. It's almost 4pm by this time and I have to take a movie back to the Redbox and I decide I will take it to the one in front of McDonald's because I can pull in right in front and leave Brian (my grandson) in his car seat while I return it. A good plan for efficiency right? Not good for someone who is starving - because as I pull out from returning the movie I find myself entering the drive through. I decide I will just get a small cheese burger and a happy meal for Brian with Chicken nuggets and apple dippers and milk. No fries, no soda just a cheeseburger...but I am starving and am too irritable at this stage to go home and cook so I rationalize my next choice by telling myself it will be lunch AND dinner. So I order the Quarter Pounder with cheese meal with DIET lemonade...I am trying right???

I eat my meal driving home so fast that before I hit the gate, I only have the lemonade left. We get home, I finish feeding Brian, he only eats two nuggets and some apple slices and he's off to play...see I am not learning to do what Brian instinctively does, eats until he is full. For a second, I think I am bigger than him...until I start to feel like CRAP! Now remember, I haven't eaten red meat for a long time and suddenly I am feeling my stomach turn and feel ill. And then it hits me, GARBAGE IN GARBAGE OUT! and you can guess where I am next.

I feel terrible the rest of the evening, I am irritable, impatient, exhausted and drained. I am counting every minute until I can go to bed. Poor Brian wants to run and play and I am like a dead lump of crap just slogging along and laying around letting him climb on me and I can tell he is getting irritated with me! He has every right - I failed big time on Saturday! Finally it's 9pm and he is ready for bed and so am I! We get ready for bed I hold him and sing to him and then put in down, he rolls over into his comfy position and within minutes is asleep.

Instead of going to bed myself, I go downstairs to watch a movie and wait for Rachel to get home. Around midnight she does and we chat for about a half hour and finally go to bed. I fall asleep instantly because the next thing I know, it's 8:06 am on Sunday and Brian is playing right outside my bedroom door and I realize I have lived to fight another day!

So I have learned a few valuable lessons; first, sugar is NOT my friend! Second, if I eat like my grandson does then maybe this would be a much easier process. And third, I need to find out why I feel "hungry" all the time.

So I eat my breakfast, drink some water and then go to the gym and set the time for 60 minutes and I run 2.5 miles and walk 2 miles and I realize that the hour is my friend and a full 10 minute cool down is my lifesaver! I come home, eat a protein bar, shower, do some laundry and wake up Brian from his nap. We play, eat some lunch and play some more (it's been storming outside since Saturday night) and we just enjoy each other and I don't think about food on Sunday the way I obsessed about it on Saturday. We eat a moderate dinner and I have stayed well below my daily calorie limits. We both go to bed at 9pm last night and I wake up this morning refreshed and ready.

It really is a daily process, sometimes meal by meal. The best thing for me is that I didn't let Saturday turn into a weekend bender or worse, discourage me and get me off track for longer. I will go to the gym in an hour and I will work my walk/run program like I haven't skipped a beat. I have a pretty important goal - I want to run! Oh yeah I almost forgot, yesterday as I was leaving the gym, I saw an advertisement about a 5k Run for the American Red Cross and I grabbed a brchure and have decided I will do it. It's on May 9th and I have 2.5 weeks to get myself up for it. I am not racing for time, I am racing for my own personal best - to complete it.

I have lived to fight for this day.

I Get It.

Interesting that this was on my welcome screen this morning after posting last night. I get this! I really do - it's exactly how I have been feeling about this whole experience. That I was just going to fail anyway. The disaster. I realize that for many of the last ten years, I convinced myself that it was okay to be overweight, my calling wasn't about my looks and therefore, it didn't matter. I had bought into the media hype about weight and looks. How superficial is that. Then I think I began to accept my failure and decided I would try to live with it - except the failure was getting larger, literally.

I remember a few years ago shortly after my dad passed away and I went on a cruise to Mexico with some friends. I weighed 197 at the end of that cruise and was surprised that I had lost weight during it. Below is a picture of me during that cruise. I hadn't been below 200 for almost 7 years before and haven't been that since.

Now I thought hey, I look pretty okay and this might be the best it's going to be for me. I can live with that. Well, 4 years and 45lbs later - I cannot live with it. Stress really does have a lot to do with your physical well-being and I certainly was stressed during this time - I had lost my dad, my kids were in that wonderful stage of life called TEENS and I went back to work without anytime to grieve. I don't recommend it. That smile you see, was probably the only smile I had for the next few months, maybe the whole next year. I was sad and tired and I wanted to be anywhere but where my life was. Now I am sure that my attitude contributed to the weight gain and I am certain that I had no motivation back then.

But now I do - I care and I am motivated and for the first time in a very long time I am positive that I can do this. Not because I am faking it til I make it - because I finally want it bad enough. Sure getting below 200 would be a wonderful success - but it's not enough - I need to be fit and healthy and I want to live an active life with my husband and children and grandson. I do not really know what that magic number will be but I am convinced that when I feel good about myself and when I have the energy to spend the entire day with my family actively and when I no longer have that weighty feeling I have been carrying around I will know.

This morning I ran a whole mile without stopping. It felt so wonderful to do it. I have been doing a 90 minute walk/jog thing where I alternate walking a certain distance and jogging the same distance. I have been averaging a 15:30 mile and doing so for about 3 weeks. I also have been hiking and doing some track work with Brian on my back or in the jogging stroller. My goal has been to increase my endurance and work on my breathing. My endurance has actually been increasing steadily and I have had little issue with going further.

My breathing is another matter. Ever since we moved here to Kentucky, I have been experiencing the hellish side effects of full-blown allergies. I used to think it was an overstated issue but now that I have experienced the stopped up nose, watery and itchy eyes and the hives I apologize to any and all who I might have made light of their problem before. It is terrible to live this way. The glorious part of it all is the medication; makes you sluggish and sleepy. But it's not an excuse. I have to figure it out and I have been working on timing my workouts and my medication so that I can exercise through the sleepiness and breath through the exercise.

Except for some hot days, it's working out okay. Today it's rainy and cold so I felt okay, until that adrenaline kicked in from jogging and my nose started running just as fast. Have you ever had to blow your nose while jogging? It's not easy. So I find that I breath in and out of my mouth. Which is not necessarily bad, but if I don't control it, I start to hyperventilate and that's where I get into some trouble. It's all a process.

Hanging in there.

Talking about sleeping...

Well, I guess as long as you don't give up, you're still in the fight right? My life has changed so dramatically since that last post. I have had a hysterectomy, found out we were NOT retiring to North Carolina but instead hubby got promoted and we are moving to Hawaii in June, my daughter and my grandson moved back home, and I find myself a stay-at-home-mom/gram. I have closed up my sewing room to make room for my grandson (no biggie) and adjusted my schedule to accommodate a working daughter and a toddler has been interesting to say the least. Now don't get me wrong, I asked for this and I am so happy they are here.

But once again, I have put me last and as for my weight, it has been a roller coaster to say the least. I started 2009 at 242 lbs. Yes, I GAINED more after that last post - I could blame it on the holidays, the winter months or any number of things; but I won't. The truth of the matter is, I eat when I am stressed and I have been STRESSED OUT! I eat to celebrate and I have had some wonderful things to celebrate. I eat because I love food and it is a self-indulgence on my part. I only have myself to blame.

In March, I decided to get honest about what I have done to my body and take FULL responsibility for my current condition. Not my allergies, ten years of hormonal issues, hell, the babies are almost 20 & 21 now - I quit smoking 9 years and 10 months ago! No, I just eat too much - PERIOD. I eat a good variety of healthy things, but I still eat too much of it. I give in to my cravings like a child and that sort of makes me mad when I think about it. I am not a child, I am a grown woman who has taken care of everyone except myself.

For those of you who know me, know that I have wrestled with a lot of things and all of the time I have ended up in a better place than when I started. I have to say I have rarely experienced anything but ultimate success.

This weight issue is different - I have battled this ever increasing bulge miserably - with no success - I have averaged a yearly overall weight gain of 10lbs since 1999 when I quit smoking. Which means 100 pounds! Not good!

So I went back to SparkPeople and I have been trying a new approach - I just record all the activity I do and the food that I eat and I weight myself once a week (which is really difficult as I have an obsession about this weight). Yesterday I weighed in at 231 lbs. I had given up beef, pork and soda last year and I am working on moderation. I began March walking, increasing my distance and before I left for Florida I had just begun a walk/jog routine. I was averaging 5 miles a day and I was using the old golf course to add some resistance to my workout. I started with a 17 minute mile pace and have whittled it to a 15 minute mile pace. Yes, that is quite a feat given how much I weigh and the short amount of time I have been on this latest wagon.

But I want to run again - like I used to when I was younger. I want to feel strong and be able to rely on my body for the long haul. I have abused it with this obesity and it is not happy with me. I am currently in a catch-22 - I'm fat and obese so it's difficult for me to run because of the extra weight I have to carry (the only plus being I burn more calories than my hubby doing the same distance) and I need to up my cardio so I can burn the fat. I envision a fair amount of discomfort and possible pain.

A few weeks ago I checked out a couple of books on running and training to run distances and I have decided that I will find and compete in a half-marathon by the end of this year. I decided that I needed to take the focus off my weight and put it on running because I would naturally have to lose weight to attain the running goal. I think I have thought SO MUCH about my weight for SO LONG that I need to approach from a different perspective.

Another thing I recently realized was I had never actually confronted the weight issue because I never really thought much about how I looked. For years I have added on this weight and never really saw myself as fat - not until this past summer when I was around 30+ skinny people; most of whom were telling me how they need to lose weight (BARF); if only. A side note - I HATE when people of normal weight call themselves fat; it makes me want to check them into a hospital. Anyhow, I realized how much more I weighed and more importantly, how I looked relative to everyone else. Now some of you may find this strange given I live in a house of normal weighing people - but I honestly didn't see myself as THAT big and when I saw an obese person I would ask if I looked as big and the answer was no. Besides, I am an active person, teaching water aerobics and swimming lessons and I even competed in a swim meet and placed 1st a couple of heats. So even though I knew I was overweight, I thought I was at least healthy. Talk about delusional. Besides, when I hit the 22/24 size for shirts - I could no longer say it was because of my breasts - I am 5'7" tall and that's just too damn BIG! I need to lose weight NOW and I need to be serious about it. Running is my goal and losing weight is one of the keys to achieving it.

One last thing I discovered about myself is that I have been reluctant to talk about my weight with my friends and family and I don't usually post pictures of myself or have them taken for that matter. I have conveniently stayed out of the way. Now I started this blog with the full intention of disclosing my experiences to any and all who cared to read and it's not like I care who reads it - but oh that self-esteem crap gets in the way and I was literally hiding out. Besides, if I actually talked about this then I might actually have to commit to changing it. I haven't been committed. There, I said it. Now I am.

I am posting this blog along with my Sparkpeople to Facebook where my friends and family will see it and they can choose whether or not they read it. It's my way of staying honest about it all. If you want to encourage me, great. If you have any fresh ideas on how I can do anything better, great. I could really use tips on running and breath control. If what you read here helps you, then that's just an added bonus. I am doing this so I am no longer sleepwalking through my life. I hope that if you are struggling like me you realize that I still have hope and that you are not alone. It's a day at a time, sometimes a meal at a time. I hope for your journey as I hope in mine.